Re: How Do I Start??
Satbinderji,
There are some similarities in our circumstances in that I also allowed myself to lose faith and be swayed by many many addictions, and like yourself, I found AA not quite for me. I am not a fantastic fan of prayer, so I will concentrate on the addiction portion of your post.
Speaking personally, I found that trying to concentrate on one thing at a time, meant I indulged myself in the other addictions to make up for the lack of the addiction I was giving up!
I have not yet felt the grace and power of the creator yet, so I am speaking with very little authority here, but I would imagine that once you have the love and desire for Ek Onkar, you will possibly find it easier and easier to get your fix from god rather than other substances. Although different things work for different people, I think moderation is the key here. I have met many reformed drug addicts and alcoholics, and they all had one thing in common, they were only one drink, or one fix away from total and complete addiction again. Also anything in your system will only take you further away from the truth, so it becomes a simple choice in your everyday life, I would say try and replace the times when you indulge, with thoughts of the creator, listening to peaceful shabads, and you will possibly find yourself high, but it is a completely different high, its a spiritual high given from god. I know what it feels like to be chemically high, and there is always a payback, a come down.There is no comedown from being high on God, I only have to think of my dear mother, with her eyes closes, concentrating on my father reading the SGGS, her face a picture of ecstasy to know it exists.
You will eventually get to the point where it is a choice of spiritual highs, or chemical highs, just try and feel that spiritual high more than you want the chemicals, and you will be fine. One day, instead of that haunted scared and brainwashed look you see in some recovered addicts, you will have come to that point by choice alone, not fear, but take each day slowly, and try and ingest less and less, and bond with the creator a bit more.
Unfortunately I cannot tell you how to get that spiritual high, I will leave that to more learned members of this forum, but I have an insight that once you have felt it, it will dwarf anything you could ingest.
Remember that not everyone will understand how hard it is, do not beat yourself up if you make the wrong choice today, there is always tomorrow, you can wean yourself of anything you do not wish to do, these are challenges in your life that you must win to move onto the next step, maybe you have been given these challenges for a reason, I do not know.
I asked my father once whether his battle with addictions was hard, he looked at me like I was on a different planet, I pursued it, was it hard for him growing up, and being surrounded by women, drink, drugs, etc. Father replied that he had never been drawn to all those things, and that finding his faith was quite easy. Well, it wasn't easy for me, and it sounds like its not easy for you, maybe some people are blessed with an easy ticket, maybe that is the result of karma, I do not know, but people like us, we have to conquer these demons while finding the truth (just to make it a bit more interesting), but conquer we must, and will, one day, I guarantee you, you will look at a pint of beer, or a smoke, and you will just think, I'd rather feel closer to the truth than further away, and that will be your choice, out of wisdom and enlightenment, not fear
god bless
