June

[Harry Haller]

Hooray, the grieving process seems to be over, the next process appears to be gluttony, namely toblerone bars, I appear to have developed an addiction, resulting in a 3am dash for more supplies this morning, still its not the worst thing I have ever been addicted to.

Not sure what comes after the gluttony, probably the relief stage, or maybe the flatulance stage, or given the toblerone addiction, the constipation stage,

Do I have fond memories? yes and no, love felt just like it did before, it made me feel sick, ill, yet, people will do anything to experience it, keep it, it really is the most {censored}ed up drug you could have ever invented, there was happiness, but in the cold light of day, no happiness is worth the bondage to that love, yet people talk of other loves, more secure, more sensible, more santised love, love that has been boiled a hundred times to kill all the germs, then put through an infinite filteration devices which is then pronounced love, yeah, well, {censored}, that is not love, not for me anyway, sure it can't hurt you, it can't affect you, it can't ruin you, but it also cannot engulf you and inflame you, like your burning through a million fires in hell, or heaven, or wherever such fires burn. good old fashioned love, before the obsession with the self, and with safety and security and mental balance, well, {censored} that for a game of soldiers, love is dangerous, real love, and satisfying and soul inflaming as it is, I have to pity anyone that is satisfied with the synthetic crap that passes for love these days

 

[Ishna]

Harry, are you sure you're describing love, or are you describing lust, or infatuation?

To my mind, love is enduring and very much not the raging fire of wild attraction.

Have a Toblerone for me - they are soooo yummy!

 

[Harry Haller]

I am not sure, I need to give that some thought, maybe this is the anger stage, rather than the constipated stage

 

[Ishna]

Careful, you might get the runs instead of constipation!

 

[Tejwant Singh]

Harry,

Yes, grieving is a biatch but at the same time, it is a must where the holy waters of the Ganges of life cleanse us from the inside out. So, don't be shy till all the inner muck which was a bliss once has been pressured washed.
I am glad you are feeling better. The scars are healing. Give it some time because the wounds of life heal from the inside first like any other physical wound but this is deep down in your gut. When you see the scabs, please do not yank them out, that would make the pain more painful.
In my opinion, what you described so candidly is passion. Passion has the fire and the true love hides behind it, in its dark nooks. The beauty of passion is that it burns into ashes in order to make room for love, the eternal Phoenix.
You have always been walking on hot coal like a good yogi. Perhaps, this is the reason you engulf the fire rather than the fire engulfing you.
Nice to see you back.
Take care.

PS- Any Toblerone left for me? It is good for constipation.

 

[Harry Haller]

The anger passes quite quickly, but then I am not an angry person, now it looks like acceptance, which is quite nice free feeling, oh well, it was an experience, I regret not I did explore the dark rocks a bit more, but the fire seems to have started to burn again, Im Ok, I will send on my toblerones I did not eat!

 

[Harry Haller]

I have arrived quite happily at indifference, an incredibly painful 2 and a half weeks, so was it love, or infatuation and lust, nope, it was not lust, for definite, infatuation, hmmmm, no, no I don't think so, I fell in love, and it was beautiful, just as falling in love with anyone I have ever fallen in love with has been beautiful, I just was not ready for it, too clumsy, too honest, too forthright, and probably too soppy, I mean who really wants to spend all night listening to irish folk music, no, what love means for me is probably so antiquated and out of date, I have to accept, like religion, that it is highly individual. Good lesson learned....