Kesh

[Prabjyot Kaur]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa Waheguru ji ki fateh,

With heavy heart, I share with you that our daughter, age 21, has cut her hair to shoulder length. It was really hard to talk to her without her getting defensive or shutting me out on this topic. I have finally got through her and here is what she shared "I choose to cut my hair because it lightens the load and lifts my self-esteem and confidence. Having the freedom to do what I want with my body is a right of every human being. Keeping my hair short makes it easier to wash and handle, as my hair is very thick and always has been."

Please write back whatever you will tell her to help her to appreciate her hair, the gift of Waheguru ji. I can really need village's help in talking to my daughter.

Thank you in advance.

 

[ActsOfGod]

Guru Fateh Prabjyot Kaur Ji,

This is the opportunity that has been provided by Vaheguruji for your personal evolution. You will not be able to resolve this issue with the same thinking that you have had in the past. I understand your grief at this moment, but if you really desire to reach your daughter, you're going to have to be willing to go through some uncomfortable growth and learning.

Your daughter told you everything you need to know to help her and serve her as your child:

"I choose to cut my hair because it lightens the load and lifts my self-esteem and confidence. Having the freedom to do what I want with my body is a right of every human being. Keeping my hair short makes it easier to wash and handle, as my hair is very thick and always has been. "

Points:
1. lightens the load
2. lifts my self esteem
3. gives me confidence
4. gives me the feeling that I have freedom (to do what I want with my body)
5. easier to wash (convenience)

1 and 5 are superficial. As humans we can put up with a lot of inconvenience when we are motivated to do so. The real crux of the issue is 2, 3, and 4.

Now imagine someone asking a GurSikh whey they are wearing a dastaar. They might say something like:

1. wearing dastaar lifts my self esteem
2. wearing dastaar gives me confidence
3. wearing dastaar proves that I have freedom (to do what I want with my body)

Interesting, isn't it?

So the first thing to notice is that it is not the action by itself that is the root cause here. It could be anything. Your challenge is to identify the root cause and address that. That is how you will really serve your daughter and Guru Sahib. It's not about whether she keeps her kesh or not. But it really is about points 2, 3, and 4 which she expressed to you.

Keeping or cutting kesh is not where the focus should be. When you have successfully addressed her fears and concerns regarding points 2, 3 and 4, then kesh will be an automatic side-effect. It happens like this time and time again, over and over.

Hope this helped. Guru Sahib kirpa karan.
[AoG]

 

[Tejwant Singh]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa Waheguru ji ki fateh,

With heavy heart, I share with you that our daughter, age 21, has cut her hair to shoulder length. It was really hard to talk to her without her getting defensive or shutting me out on this topic. I have finally got through her and here is what she shared "I choose to cut my hair because it lightens the load and lifts my self-esteem and confidence. Having the freedom to do what I want with my body is a right of every human being. Keeping my hair short makes it easier to wash and handle, as my hair is very thick and always has been."

Please write back whatever you will tell her to help her to appreciate her hair, the gift of Waheguru ji. I can really need village's help in talking to my daughter.

Thank you in advance.

Guru Fateh Prabjyot Kaur ji,

I have no idea where to start. Firstly, please do not feel guilty about your daughter who is 21. Sikhi is the journey of the individual hence each one of us carries our own Sikhi torch. I have many mona relatives. In fact, my own nephew who lives in London cut his hair. He is married to a Gujarati. None of us has any qualms about it. He is treated like a family because no one can force Sikhi unto anyone.

It is your daughter's choice to make. For you and your husband Sikhi may be pragmatic but for your daughter, it seems to be dogmatic and not very many people want to carry this dogmatic baggage with them especially at her age.
What good would be the kesh on her head if she did not live Sikhi, you should ask this question to yourself?

One day, perhaps when she realises the way Sikhi is lived through her parents then she may want to dive into it. To be honest, I am glad she has cut her hair because as for her, Sikhi is not in the hair, it is in the deeds and she may be a Sikh in the latter. So, if I were you, I would not worry about it nor would I feel bad/sad but would try to understand her through her own thought process.

I am sorry, I wish I had a magic wand but on a second thought, Sikhi is not about magic but it is magical when one doesn't feel the need to pull a rabbit out of one's own turban, pardon the pun.

We are here for you. Please let us know how it goes and if you have any questions/doubts, please do not hesitate to share with us. We will do our best.

Good luck and regards

Tejwant Singh

 

[Gyani Jarnail Singh]

I sympathize with your dilemma..i have seen and counselled at least 12 parents and their kids who went through this phase of their lives....end result is Sikhi is CHOICE...sikhi cannot be forced. I have kids whose parents were monas..but they insisted on kesh..also prepared to wash, comb on their own..i have elders who wore turbans well into their 60's..and then went shaven..it was their dream to be wearing cowboy hats !! the turban was simply a necessity for a certain image !!
Give your daughter space....let her work it all out on her own...sad as it may be, difficult as it may be..

 

[Prabjyot Kaur]

Thank you ActsofGod, Tejwant Singh and Giani Jarnail Singh ji for your thoughtful advice and kind comments.

Yes, it is profoundly difficult to see her without her beautiful, silky flowing kesh down her waist. With the pain of this loss, for a while, I started second guessing myself as a mother. But I have come to terms with her decision now. I love her ferociously for who she is, not what I wish her to be.

She is home with us during the summer and I didn't want to leave any stone unturned if I could understand her and help her in anyway before she leaves. We will continue to keep our communication open with her and keep her in our Ardas. Waheguru ji bhali karngay!

Thank you once again.