Lonely And Uninspired

[Ishna]

Bring out the violins and the tissues, Ishna's going in for a whinge.

I feel like I've spent my lifetime so far (which has been short) trying to find somewhere to fit in. As a young child I was the geeky unfit one who didn't have many friends. As a teen I was the geeky, unfit, opinionated one who didn't have many friends. Even among the geeks I wasn't very welcome because I was the only girl. Online gaming, only girl = teased massively.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mum went to work afternoon shift at a factory. I spent ages 12-17 home alone after school until mum came home just before midnight. I couldn't go to Tai Chi classes or Army Cadets with my friends because I didn't have any transport, so I spent most of my time roleplaying on IRC.

Around that time I got interested in religion and chose Paganism... got into a small group when I was about 18 but it didn't last long, and wasn't really my scene. And I was one of two people not selected for the "inner circle" which irritated me a bit, so I left (on good terms, of course).

Then I switched to Sikhi, which is fulfilling in and of itself, but I'm so lonely in it... I have one bhenji I email, she lives in America. But in my real life, I know no Sikhs... no one at the Gurdwara wants to talk Sikhi with me... all the females I see at Gurdwara have earrings, none wear turbans, most cut their hair and scoff when you talk about amrit sanchar... and there's me wanting to take my earrings our, wear dastaar, take amrit sanchar, getting around with hairy legs and a monobrow... so again I feel like the odd one out, where I should feel most at home. I don't expect them to take me in with open arms, but I'm too shy to pester people all the time and get all up in their business. What right do I have to even complain like this? Don't get me wrong, they're all very nice people and have been very good to me and patient with me. I just want to be able to relax and be part of the group.

And then I fight internally with myself anyway -- what's the good reason for taking out my earrings? what's the point of spending so much time reading prayers which aren't even Gurbani???

And I get upset myself when I do read Gurbani and I read about sangat and Sadh Sangat and as much as I try to tell myself "it's the company of God, not the company of Saints..." sometimes it just doesn't fit the context, and I realise my isolation.

My family are mainly all atheists, my husband is an atheist, there is no connection on that level, I can't talk philosophy or God.. even trying to talk about Pleasure and Happiness with him turned ugly (don't go there with someone who has major depression).

I don't fit into my own Western culture of binge drinking and small clothes. Nothing interests me except Sikhi and the occasional Xbox 360 game. I feel like I'm living my life 95% in my own head and on SPN with no real community around me at all.

I feel best when I'm at work because no one can complain that I'm there, they have to talk to me about a common interest (work), they can't tease me and we all work as part of a team, and I love that. In fact my boss often gets cross with me for doing more than I should, ie. helping with other people's work problems all the time (what, your printing isn't coming out right, lets have a look...).

I just feel left out, alone, and insane.

*flop*

I guess this isolation is hukam and I should just try to make peace with it. *sings Fleetwood Mac "you can go your own waaaaay, go you own waaa-aa-aaay..."*

 

[Annie]

Awww... Ishna. kudihug
I hope you find what you need soon, or realize you already have it.

 

[Harry Haller]

Ishna Bhenji,

I can completely relate to you on every level, I have some advice and suggestions, but I am not sure they are the correct ones, and I may be alone in suggesting them.

I too also have spent a lifetime trying to fit in, in the UK I was bullied for wearing plaits, when we moved to India, I was bullied for being an angraz, an english, so I realised I was never going to fit in anywhere, as a teen, yup, I was awkward, desperate to be part of something, a scene, a movement, but my parents were quite strict about going out, however at the time I do recall a feeling of everything being so fickle and temporary, maybe you recall such a feeling?

Getting involved in paganism, I believe was the start of a path that led you here, the end of that path was the beginning of sikhi for you.

I am not lonely, my view of people is quite poor, on the whole, it takes 5 years to really get to know someone, and even then, if they are clever, they can make you believe they are someone else, so , truth be told, I do not bother, I just do not have the time to play games,. I have found the sangat here just cannot be replicated in the real world, When I have problems, or issues, I write about them here, and I find that in the writing, I get some release, some answers come to me while I am writing, and overall, I feel in tune,in contact with something.

That famous teddy bear, Guru Ka Singh, did a youtube video on marriage, with his wife, it is very good, it talks about being whole within yourself, and that the relationship between you and your soul is very personal and should not be shared with anyone, I believe that relationship only makes your relationship with your family stronger,

I used to think I was manic depressive, actually, I was, fact, but I always thought I was blessed because of it, the highs were brilliant, the lows were bad, but I would never swap it for the numbness of a straight line, so your husband is gifted, he just needs to realise it in his own time.

Ok, my suggestions, and forgive me if I am giving bad advice here, I would like someone more intelligent than myself to validate them somehow,

I do not believe that in the name of sikhism, anything you do should be a struggle, I believe it should just flow, you sound to me a bit like myself, possible addictive nature, when I first started talking about sikhism at home, my wife commented that I would be in a turban in 3 months, I asked her why, she said, because everything you do, you do at a million miles an hour, you submerse yourself in it, you live and breathe it, until you find it does not fulfill you anymore, and then you move on to something else, remember that january you ate nothing but pork bellies every day for a month. That is why, I did not rush into sikhism, I allowed it to sway over me, and everything I did, I did because I felt it was time and I was ready for it. My hair is getting longer, my beard is huge, a part of me is putting off going to get it cut, because I have started to get used to it long, but I should get it cut, because firstly, I look like a tramp, and no sikh should look like a tramp, but secondly, I have not embraced fully the first pauri of Japji, When Ambersariaji talks of consonance, and Bhagatsinghji expresses his profound views, or when you ask the sort of questions that make me think, and admire you for being honest and awkward, questioning things, to be there, to understand all that, you have to have embraced just the first Pauri!, so I am trying to put my energy into understanding the basics,

From a social level, I would imagine you are terrifying the sangat, people are people little sister, we would like to think that they are all like the stars we speak to here, but they are not. They are terrified of you, because with your blonde hair, blue eyes, turban, and views on sikhism, you are like a beacon of what they are not, and it makes it worse because you are an 'outsider'. If we cannot embrace the positive, then we embrace the negative, if the positive is out of our reach, embrace the base.

I think should put your earings back in bhenji, and I think they should stay there, until they are irrelevant, and then take them out, strangely enough, it will make you seem more approachable to the sangat, it is human nature to say' what is so special about her and her monobrow and no earings, who does she think she is?', its sad, but thats people for you, anyway its not the earings that are important, any more than my hair is, at the moment anyway, we are both so lost that neither has any consequence for us at the moment, what is important is happiness and contentment and the feeling of belonging somewhere, so if wearing earings, or even taking out a few hairs, makes you feel a bit more like part of the world, then do it, if it makes you feel bad, resolve to find more peace with the creator as a balance, but you must must be yourself, or how will you find yourself

The most important thing here is finding yourself, and finding that voice inside that brings you peace and contentment, you feel it when you help others, or think noble thoughts, or find happiness in gurbani, given all those, and the search involved, your physical form is unimportant at this stage in the game, it will be hugely massively important one day, and when that day comes, it will seem as natural to you, as wearing a turban will be for me.

You are a shinning light bhenji, you inspire me with your writings and your questions, you are worth a million bored looking kudhis sitting in Gurudwara, all hating you for wanting to be better, for wanting to chant the lords name,

I have tried not to talk to anyone about my sikhi, I see no point, but I did share my views with an elder cousin, I am berated for stating that god is in the dog mess, as much as he is in the eagle, god is all things good, how can he possibly be in a dog mess, apparently I have strange views on god, one even mentioned it was a sin to say such things, great two contradictory points in the same sentence, I am saddened every time I talk to a sikh, everything I have embraced here, seems at odds with the turbanned, bearded sikhs I talk to, Dhadrianwale is a hero who had brought sikhism to the youth, I should go to his talks, when will I keep my turban, there is still time to divorce my welsh wife and marry (my own caste obviously), and have children, Fords are ok, but Mercedes cars are 'wonderful', come they say, be part of us, be part of sikhi, come to my brothers wedding, we will have FUN. And their idea of fun is no aloo prontha, its scotch whisky dancing , base fun.

No, Ishnabhenji, we are still alone, all we have is our own souls, and the creator to replenish us as we go about our day, seeing the creator in everything, and everyone, and doing what we can to stay in consonance , spreading the love,

If I am hugely honest, yes I do get lonely sometimes, not for company, but for love, for the creators love, but I know that no amount of hair or physical appearance is going to change that, that is something internal, that will start the flow in my external, when I am ready

hope that helps

 

[Ambarsaria]

Ishna ji "let it be". Don't be too hard on self.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Wear the earrings, wear fancy clothes, be like others what looks good to you, you are already so spiritually ahead you will be 10 times better than others if not more. Try things you won't be bad ever (my wish for your happiness) mundahug

Barry Gibb com Barbra Streisand - YouTube

Andy Gibb - I Just Want to Be Your Everything (HQ with lyrics) - YouTube

Fleetwood Mac - Don't stop - 2004 - YouTube

Go Your Own Way - LIVE 2004 - Fleetwood Mac - YouTube

Sheer sound, choreography, beauty, etc., below,

Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall(Live) - YouTube
Bob Marley- Could you be loved - YouTube

Not only you understand Gurbani so well you even like good music like you mentioned. We all love your posts and your contributions.

Sat Sri Akal.

 

[Ishna]

You are all so kind. kaurhug kaurhug kaurhug kaurhug

Whenever I'm feeling low, I'm coming straight back to this thread.

Thanks for your advice, Harry bhaji. For the record, I still have 3 of my earrings, and am currently sans dastaar (much to my hubby's relief!). But it's a thought, a dream floating around back there.

You have made some very good observations, about being true to myself, and about things coming naturally and without effort.

I just need to take a deep breath and stop trying so hard to control everything, because the reality is I can't control anything!

peacesignkaur

 

[Astroboy]

Les Brown - Unwrap Your Infinite Greatness - YouTube

Who Are You Associating With - Les Brown - YouTube

 

[RamanS]

And I get upset myself when I do read Gurbani and I read about sangat and Sadh Sangat and as much as I try to tell myself "it's the company of God, not the company of Saints..." sometimes it just doesn't fit the context, and I realise my isolation.

I don't fit into my own Western culture of binge drinking and small clothes. Nothing interests me except Sikhi and the occasional Xbox 360 game. I feel like I'm living my life 95% in my own head and on SPN with no real community around me at all.

Ishna Ji,

I can relate to you too. I've been studying at college away from home for the last 4 years. There aren't too many Sikhs where I am going to college and I feel like I have nothing in common with most college students. I spend most of my time when I'm not studying reading about Sikhi while most students (that I've met) watch TV and movies on their laptops and go to parties. I used to join in on the partying too but even though there were so many people around it felt more isolating than just being alone. For me there was no deep connection with people at these events. It's amazing how we can feel lonely even with so many people around us. I think its great how we can use SPN for Sangat. I also try to talk to people of other religions and learn from their own understanding for Sangat.

I believe it should just flow, you sound to me a bit like myself, possible addictive nature, when I first started talking about sikhism at home, my wife commented that I would be in a turban in 3 months, I asked her why, she said, because everything you do, you do at a million miles an hour, you submerse yourself in it, you live and breathe it, until you find it does not fulfill you anymore, and then you move on to something else, remember that january you ate nothing but pork bellies every day for a month. That is why, I did not rush into sikhism, I allowed it to sway over me, and everything I did, I did because I felt it was time and I was ready for it.

Harry ji,
Jumping into things at a million miles per hour is exactly how I am too. When I started really getting into Sikhi I kept imagining myself wearing a turban almost obsessively. I remember reading advice on SPN to take it slow and to change things slowly when they feel effortless and this is what I'm doing now too.

My hair is getting longer, my beard is huge, a part of me is putting off going to get it cut, because I have started to get used to it long, but I should get it cut, because firstly, I look like a tramp, and no sikh should look like a tramp,

Reading this put a huge smile on my face. I used to feel so uncomfortable growing a beard and always kept my hair short but now my hair is the longest its ever been and I've become so comfortable keeping a beard. Some of my college friends try giving me "advice" on how I used to look better clean shave but I don't think I can ever go back to that now. I don't know if I'll start wearing a turban yet but I know that someday it will be the next natural step and at that time I will take that step with no second thoughts.

 

[aristotle]

Ishna Ji,
Basically most of us face one hardship or the other during our lives. But, our Sikh philosophy gives us a tool to combat it, the 'Charhdikala'. Remain happy, and share your smile with others. Never feel 'let-down' by someone just because you are something different from others. I'm sharing a thread with you, this song has amazing lyrics, it cheers me up when I feel bad, hope it does the same for you.

Richard Sanderson - Reality - YouTube

What else can I share with you? Perhaps the Punjabi spirit of making everyday into a festival. I'd like to binge on a pizza or dance to some popular number with my friends around if ever felt low on spirits , that would be nice.....

Cheer up, you are better and fortunate than millions of others who cant afford a square meal and face extreme hardships.......

japposatnamwaheguru:

 

[Harry Haller]

Ishnaji,

I mentioned your post to my dear wife last night, my wife is passionate about creation, and creator, accepts the concept of consonance, but has a complete aversion to any mention of an abrahamic style god. Ambersaria wrote a post a while back about consonance and evil, it stated many points, the one that I took to my heart was how responsible we are for ourselves, and what do or think can make our path better or worse. I see it as a thick line of truth running through various possibilities, keep on the path of truth, let your outside mirror your inside, live in consonance.

I mentioned your hairy legs, and monobrow, my wife asked how that is going to get closer to god, how does your physical form allow you to understand creation any more than someone with smooth legs, my understanding, based on my own rather hirsute appearance at present, is completely with Ambersariaji, dont sweat the small stuff, I think that once you enlighten your brain, it flows, you don't think about it, you honour Guru and creation by being whole and not submitting to fashion/media pressure about how a woman should look, I think if it bothers you even 1% then it is not flowing, and you have to just wait till it does, I think once you really understand sikhi, you don't give your appearance a second thought, you just 'exist' as you are, no filters, no translation, you just are pure, yourself, not a slave to society or what society wants to see.

I think this can take some time, but I also think it is something you have no control over, you can't just wake up one day and say 'i will be comfortable looking like this', rather I think you wake up one day and you are so proud of your inner beauty that the concept of changing it in any way seems alien.

This is a long journey sis, there are some that prepare for it by polishing and cleaning the car, choosing the right music, getting a valet, making sure the car looks like the image in the head of how a car looks, and then there are others who make sure the mechanics are in order, the engine is ok, the map is sitting in the glove box, they are meticulous and ready for the journey, and know what the latter normally have cars that look clean and functional, they mirror the care their owners have lavished on them, mechanically and externally,

Also, one more point, I think you are a bit like me, possibly a bit bi polar/manic depressive or whatever the scientific name is for people who are a bit unhinged, and that is another issue that can cause people like us to search too hard, to lose heart easier, we need to belong somewhere, but as we grow, we will find the only place we belong is helping people, acting with grace, and thanking the creator for the chance to serve him, through our friends and families, and to get our love back from the creator to fuel us through this journey, at that point, when we are truly in tandem with creation, we will catch sight of ourself in the mirror, and see a true gursikh in all aspects of physical perfection, and we will say, wow, when did that happen

 

[Ishna]

Aristotle ji, thank you for the timely reminder, that in reality what I have been feeling is a common feeling amongst most people, and I am not in real hardship. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize how my lead post shows much hubris!

I just wrote a big post here detailing all the good stuff in my life, countering my own grizzling above, and in addition to feeling massive gratitude for all the things I easily listed (and could have kept listing) I felt shame, because in reality I have nothing to complain about. Nay, I have even less to complain about than the average person because I have Sikhi. Thanks for the wakeup call.

Harry, brother, please thank your wife for her contributions to all your posts! Very insightful lady!

I'm cool with my kesh, the problem has not been so much me having my kesh as me having the kesh in the community which is meant to keep kesh when a lot of them aren't. It feels like I'm inadvertantly projecting "holier than thou" but at the same time like im not fitting in for not doing what everyone else is doing. I love my kesh (my husband doesn't), it's the pain of seeing other Sikhs not loving their kesh. But now I sound up myself which isn't what I mean. Anyway!

And yes, maybe I am a bit manic depressive. Usually manic!! You described me almost perfectly in your last paragraph. Well done. I think I could do more on the helping people front. Maybe that will help me keep my own life in perspective next time I'm feeling low.

Gurfateh.

 

[aristotle]

Ishna Ji,
The thing is that you are only too truthful....
mundahug