This is how OCD works, you are always unsure of yourself and thoughts and constantly asking for reassurance whether from yourself or others. I feel the biggest fear we carry is that we are disappointing God and Guru which in turn will cause us harm. I have made some changes to my life like trying not to fear as honestly nothing wrong happens!! if you do not do the number of prayers in certain ways trust me NOTHING HAPPENS. God knows you better than yourself. He knows you are in pain with this mental state. even if you were doing things intentionally, behind it was your efforts to get rid of these thoughts and compulsions.
it is very important to learn the skills and healthy coping mechanisms to overcome such mental illnesses. for myself I am going through the youtube videos, learning the skills these people used to recover.
the biggest example lots of people give is don't try to avoid or push the negative thoughts away, the more you try the more they bug you. that is simply how the brain functions. just for an example if I tell you do not think about a pink elephant, the first thing that comes to your mind is a pink elephant. no matter how many times you tell yourself not to think about the pink elephant it will keep coming to your head.
that's the way out negative thoughts work. just stop caring about them.
with myself, I used to see terrible things on Guru Granth sahib ji, our Guru's wrong pictures, wrong words for God and Guru, I also used to try not to think. BUT now I just don't care and they have stopped bugging me. because I know they are nothing but just random thoughts that normal people also have.
I used to do matha tek so many times in a day, constantly think about God, do mool mantar in my mind most of the time, feel so uncomfortable, but I have stopped most of it. I try to be a better loving person, I do less prayers. I have just tried to resist the compulsions.
people like us worry way too much that starts giving power to such silly thoughts that almost everyone has.
take small steps, avoid the compulsions, learn the skills and you will see change come in your life.
JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. that is the biggest lesson to learn. the brain just gives out different kinds of thoughts, good and bad it is up to us how we wanna deal with them. whether we wanna hold on to them or just let them pass.
I am trying to build a healthy loving relationship with God and Guru instead of the fearful unhealthy one I used to have.
In my case, I blame the people around me and the so-called baba's who teach you fear regarding Guru and God, if you do this and that you will go to hell, be punished bla bla. Now I know even if I am the worst person left on this planet my God and Guru will shower me with unconditional love.
I hope I make sense.
But please do seek help, try to build a healthy relationship with Guru and God with no fears but Love and respect. Right now I am reading the book by Mark freeman " you are not a rock" I hope it will teach me more skills.
take care.
