Self So What Have We Learned So Far

[Harry Haller]

As my marriage finally nears its err finality, what was once a home, is now just a house, what was once a family, is now no more than just several people that just do not get on, so at 46, once again, I find myself single, alone, well not quite alone, I still have all the other Harry's, the clown, the wolf, so not quite alone.

I'm tired, sleepy, I do not get a good nights sleep at the moment, its hard sleeping next to someone that represented your future, but now only represents the past, its quiet today, just David Gray playing on the music computer, plenty of work to do, its piled up, I watch couples walk in the park, am I jealous? no, not really, I feel I have something far more valuable, freedom, freedom from having others be responsible in any way for my happiness, freedom from being manipulated, freedom from guilt trips, and freedom from this manacle that people seem to be so very keen to shackle themselves to, I believe its called love. For a long time I could never understand why, in Sikhism, the love bond seemed only acceptable if it were with Creator, or if it were with Creator and another person, Anand Karaj, as, in my view, having a relationship with Creator is having a relationship with the self, but now I do understand, a quote keeps going round and round in my head:-

Those who give with all their heart, without fear of destruction, in books, are known as romantics, in real life, however they are known as the insane.

so what now, well its probably a good time to review what we have learned so far, and put it into practice, most of it is quite easy, and having spent the last 5 years stuck in this shop every day for 13 hours at a time, has caused me to be quite shut off from what I could call normal society, I almost have a child like innocence at why people do things, wear things, want things, I do not want for anything, certainly not for love, nor company, nor cars, houses, even money, I have full acceptance, but only to a point, 'it is what it is' remains my most hated saying, preferring 'it is what ever I wish it to be', so what does a man do, who wants for nothing, who is on the whole, content with nothing, who fears nothing, I suppose a good answer would be 'nothing'.

but doing nothing is being dead, and I am not dead, nor do I have any wish to be, so I have to start to live, which is hard, as living is by default, playing the game, but once you have seen the game from above, once you have seen how pointless and ridiculous it all is, its hard to play, I have no doubt I could be a game player par excellence, but it is not what I want. So what else is there, well, firstly, my parents figure hugely in my plans for the future, the love I wanted so badly from a woman, from a family, I get in abundance from them, and lately, I have realised that all those years, and all those women failed to give me even 1% of the true love I have had from my parents, but as with everything, when it comes to easy, it gets devalued, I did not want that love from them then, I wanted it from others, so now it is time to address that balance, so I am getting my old bedroom back at home, spend three or four days with my mum and dad, its like nothings changed, and I love it.

I do not want anything, its a good statement to start a life by

 

[Joginder Singh Foley]

I well have to re-read this a couple of time and see how it compares with my fight against my chronic alcohol abuse

 

[Harry Haller]

Its coming up to midnight, I am back at the shop, everything must go plays on the music computer, a quote from one of Hesse's books comes to mind,

The things we see are the same things that are within us. There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside them for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself

Of course, true happiness has to come from within, as per my understanding of Sikhism, by aligning the inside to the universal truth, what then is the universal truth, and why are so many universal truths particular to different people, which in itself makes a mockery of the very phrase universal truth. I believe personal beliefs are just that, personal, and as we live in a world where the self is protected by walls of personality, then our very interaction outside of our self is meaningless, pointless, false personalities interacting with false personalities, those that portray their true selves are ridiculed, mocked, branded as without culture or social graces, thus the refusal to pay lip service to whatever current trend is seen as acceptable and good, ends in isolation, as it should.

What in effect is isolation? Isolation is the slow and succinct realisation that one is never truly alone, a million different personalities all sweep around in my head, all with a million desires and a million aversions, all pointless and never to see the light of day, but there are memories, images, soundbites, smells, no, one is never truly alone, and, truth be told, personalities exist not as a strong wind, but more as an anchor, how can one learn with a personality, how can one grow, other than by shedding each old one, and replacing it with a new one, why bother, the inside never changes, it never will change, it exists at death as it existed at birth, all we can do is learn how we operate, how we function, how we can keep it all real, how we can do the right thing.

When I was younger, I saw my current life in my nightmares, no money, bad health, alone, a rusty old car, my parents getting old, and having to look after them, I had images of my brother getting married, having kids, a life, holidays, a house, a mortgage, and coming to my parents house, where I lived, in my old room, and feeling like a complete failure as I ended up right where I started, whilst brother did all the things that I wanted to do. Yet, last weekend, the same happened, and I did not feel it a nightmare at all, I had something he did not, I was free and reasonable content and accepting. Its funny how nightmares can turn into heaven, and vice versa, I suppose it all depends on your perception.

So what now, its strange sitting here, dead on midnight, with no regard to where I live, drive, eat, dress, travel, nothing, its warm here, the manic street preachers blare out very loud, I get a few nods from people walking past the window, harry can't sleep, again, but onwards, lost in my own thoughts, I catch sight of my self in the window, my eyes look happy, and a gentle smile plays on my lips, freedom, I take a deep breath, the air of freedom, no worries, no wants, can it really be this simple, I still give freely, to anyone, and everyone, that has not changed, what has changed is my attitude of expectation, which is nil, and I truly feel honoured to have been given that gift, for it is a gift from the gods.

 

[Harry Haller]

“I hated myself and the world because I had failed to face and accept the limitations of my self and of life. In literature this refusal is called romanticism; in psychology, neurosis.”

The Diceman

 

[Harry Haller]

Give up all hope, all illusion, all desire..I've tried. I've tried and still I desire, I still desire not to desire and hope to be without hope and have the illusion I can be without illusions..Give up, I say. Give up everything, including the desire to be saved

The Diceman