- Jan 31, 2011
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Its been a while since I posted a blog, looking back, when I wrote last, I had no idea of the battle that lay ahead, but then waking up from a deep slumber is not the easiest thing to do, I would have thought I would be better, and in some ways I suppose I am, but the truth of the matter is that those switches in my head remain firmly off, I exist, for sure, but without love, although the only two people that actually dragged me through the last 4 months were my mum and dad, they have been brilliant, and it has only confirmed that the love that we seek, that true love, is based on parental love, the concept of parental love, I think as children it is where we learn about love, and fashion our own understanding of such. In hindsight, the love I was looking for was based on the love I had as a child from my mum and dad, but I never found it, something you could put weight on.
I got through the last 4 months by going completely zombie, I cannot feel a thing, to the point where not feeling is quite pleasant, I do not think I have ever felt so alienated by the world, but then spending 4 months locked up and doing nothing more than taking apart and putting back together old macbooks has made me view the outside world I see from my window with huge suspicion, I have started giving people subtitles so that I can understand them, because often the body language, the tone, the facial expression differs from what the mouth says, it is getting to the point where the difference is so huge, you start to discount the spoken word, if it is spoken, it must be false, as words tend to have an agenda, but then most people have an agenda, so that makes sense.
Do I believe in love? I would say 99% , no, there is a 1% that clings on to the concept, and I fully expect that to be hitting zero shortly, the sun is shining outside, there is unfortunately, only a view of a post office and a Tesco, no trees, no park, no squirrels. I have sold the car, I started to hate driving it, it was a loathsome machine, a VW Passat has to be one of the most soulless cars ever made, the amount of times I could not find it, simply because I forgot what it looked like, it is one of the most anonymous cars ever made, soulless, actually thinking about, its probably a perfect car, a soulless car for a soulless man!
If I am going to lift out of this, it is going to happen in the next few weeks, although I yearn for the end, for that last 1% to vanish, so I can be in no doubt about my path, so I can get on with it, I am looking forward to it, its soulless, but its peaceful, quiet, at some point I will construct a personality to buffer the outside world, and then that's me done!
I wonder if it has to be all or nothing, I think, yes, it does, I am looking forward to Christmas, my first alone for a while, the thought actually makes me smile, because solitude is truth, you don't have to pretend to be having a good time, or put on a show to make people round you feel comfortable, I am smiling to myself now, complete solitude beckons, peace, quiet, no strings pulling me, even the thought of sex bores me, to be honest, most things bore me, my parents don't bore me, I talk to them daily 3 or 4 times, they make me laugh, I make them laugh, I love them in a way that I could never love anyone else, its enough, I am 47, I have come full circle, I don't think I want to go round again.
I got through the last 4 months by going completely zombie, I cannot feel a thing, to the point where not feeling is quite pleasant, I do not think I have ever felt so alienated by the world, but then spending 4 months locked up and doing nothing more than taking apart and putting back together old macbooks has made me view the outside world I see from my window with huge suspicion, I have started giving people subtitles so that I can understand them, because often the body language, the tone, the facial expression differs from what the mouth says, it is getting to the point where the difference is so huge, you start to discount the spoken word, if it is spoken, it must be false, as words tend to have an agenda, but then most people have an agenda, so that makes sense.
Do I believe in love? I would say 99% , no, there is a 1% that clings on to the concept, and I fully expect that to be hitting zero shortly, the sun is shining outside, there is unfortunately, only a view of a post office and a Tesco, no trees, no park, no squirrels. I have sold the car, I started to hate driving it, it was a loathsome machine, a VW Passat has to be one of the most soulless cars ever made, the amount of times I could not find it, simply because I forgot what it looked like, it is one of the most anonymous cars ever made, soulless, actually thinking about, its probably a perfect car, a soulless car for a soulless man!
If I am going to lift out of this, it is going to happen in the next few weeks, although I yearn for the end, for that last 1% to vanish, so I can be in no doubt about my path, so I can get on with it, I am looking forward to it, its soulless, but its peaceful, quiet, at some point I will construct a personality to buffer the outside world, and then that's me done!
I wonder if it has to be all or nothing, I think, yes, it does, I am looking forward to Christmas, my first alone for a while, the thought actually makes me smile, because solitude is truth, you don't have to pretend to be having a good time, or put on a show to make people round you feel comfortable, I am smiling to myself now, complete solitude beckons, peace, quiet, no strings pulling me, even the thought of sex bores me, to be honest, most things bore me, my parents don't bore me, I talk to them daily 3 or 4 times, they make me laugh, I make them laugh, I love them in a way that I could never love anyone else, its enough, I am 47, I have come full circle, I don't think I want to go round again.
