That Pesky Last 1%

[Harry Haller]

I have been struggling the last few days, I have no wish to be different or strange, a part of me still wants love and to be loved, to share love, to give love, but I am loved, and I do love, those feelings are generated by my parents, when I need love, when I need that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach, I ring my dad, or my mum, I have to confess that all my dad has to do is call me 'beta' in that soft accent of his, and is like a huge sticking plaster on whatever I am feeling at the time, however, there is of course the love one shares with a woman, or with society, or with people in general, that is what I am done with, most of the society that we find in need are there by their own hand, any love shown merely reverses the consequences they are suffering, until the same actions put them there again, such love is destructive, as no lesson is ever learned, in fact, such love only prolongs the learning curve, delays it, in my belief, it does not do any favours, do you show love to a gambling addict by lending them money, or a drug addict by getting more drugs? Therefore all you are then left is pure actions, actions devoid of emotion, actions that use foresight and wisdom, anything but emotions, the detaching of emotions means that a love devoid of such has to be different to the run of the mill love that most people identify with, it does raise the question what actually is love, in most cases it is for the self, a person that loves another dearly does it for the self,not for the other, a person that gives and does, only to appease a god, again is doing it for the self, selfless love therefore is possibly the purest form of love, provided it is intelligent. Allowing a homeless person to stay the night in your house, when you have never met them before sounds like a high form of love, it is not, it is gross stupidity, I think there is a tendency to assume every pure action will enable us protection from a higher force, as it is a good action, but good and bad can have opposite effects, god does not really come into it, being, as I feel, a non interventionist force.

I see men every day, walking past my window, with their families, their wives, envy is not a word that comes to mind, the human spirit is capable of much, it can build spaceships, invent medicines, and yet, most of the human spirit I see out of my windows is more focused on the pointless rituals of society, of appeasing the people round them with their whimsical desires and wants, and when the ridiculous merry go round of social interaction and social problems is not enough, then people with more interesting social problems can be watched on our televisions, and when that is not enough, we can find people with bigger problems and bigger issues on our cinema screens, I think it is called entertainment.

I find the whole concept of rollercoaster rides just too strange, why would anyone pay to be scared in such an artificial environment? There have been times in my life when I have had to get from A to B in quite a hurry, normally the consequences have been financial, once it was life or death, such a drive, the fear in your belly, the navigating through traffic, the driving like a madman, the rush as you realise your going to make it, save the day, stop death, or the despair as you realise its all over, the emotional highs and lows, and then when it is over, you get out and sit by the kerb, and just breathe, and people can pay money to experience this, whilst waving their hands and screaming, I cannot think of anything more ridiculous, but then looking out of my window, life is ridiculous, a bad joke,

that last 1% went last night, and I feel like someone has pulled a very bad rotten tooth from my mouth, the freedom, the feeling of liberation is huge, it feels better than I anticipated,

Oh, and without love, you truly fear nothing,

As a Sikh, I now believe that love spoken of in scripture is a love that we know nothing about, our childish puerile attempts to understand love and share it end up in nothing but disaster, before one can share love, one needs to understand love, and for one to understand love, one first has to kill ones own false perception of love, love does not make the heart ache, love does not make you sick, love is not scary, it is not butterflies in the stomach, no it is something way way bigger than that, it is calm and pure, it empowers and it has wisdom, I would say most of us grow into adulthood with a very childish idea of what love is.

well, that brings the amount of deaths in this lifetime to 209, let us see where we go with personality #210
 
I spoke to my ex today, she rings me now and then, married with kids, nice house, nice life, it was a real pleasure to speak to her, we spent 10 years together, boxom, blue eyed and blonde, we very nearly got married, but to be fair, I don't think we were in love, maybe in love with the idea of being in love, looking back, we spent some real good times together, the end, as they all are, was bad, but we remained on speaking terms, she was 17 when I met her, where does the time go, I was a young man then, with hair! I chatted for a while, spoke to her kids, reminded her christmas was coming, she always loved christmas , until I managed to kill it in her after a few years, but I was glad to see she was looking forward to it and giggling just like she did when she was 17, after a while, she had to go, come up and see me some time, I said, bring the kids, yeah, she said, and then a pause, and then it was bye harry, do look after yourself, and she was gone. I used to watch men like me in films, sad men, quiet men, men that had lived, men with the scars of life, I envied them, envied the solitude, the freedom, the lack of responsibility, conversations with old loves, thinking about the good times with a wry smile, how I wanted that solitude, and now I have it.

My journey is now inward, I am getting a motorbike, I want to tour remote countryside with just a few herman hesse books and some nice cheese, strangely enough my awakening seems to have dampened my sex drive, frankly I would rather have a cup of tea, sitting here, in the near dark, with the world rushing by downstairs, the main road is full of cars, people, one cannot help but feel detached from the world, again free of the rituals and ceremonies of life, I want to read the great works of our age, to devour them and understand them, I feel good, happy, as far as love goes, it is the need to be loved that is destructive, not love itself, but I am still giving the matter some thought,

I will sleep well tonight

 

[Seeker2013]

what actually is love, in most cases it is for the self, a person that loves another dearly does it for the self,not for the other, a person that gives and does, only to appease a god, again is doing it for the self, selfless love therefore is possibly the purest form of love, provided it is intelligent

You know what ! Sage yajnavalkya , 2700 years ago ! said the same thing in one of his works which BTW now are embedded inside yajur veda .

All love is love of the self (soul) ! He said "Man loves not his wife, his children , but loves himself"
We love ourselves, but don't realize who that ourselves is ! one who knows this is liberated .
"And one who dies and passes from this world without knowing himself is someone deserving of pity " (quoted from some upanishad)

You have lived the harshness of life , would your conclusions today have been any different if life gave you a softer , creamier side ?
What happens to those men and women, I wonder, who get what they want in life ? who live a very comfortable life ..
do they ever reach the conclusions you reach. What kind of inferences from life they draw , I wonder.

 

[Harry Haller]

You know what ! Sage yajnavalkya , 2700 years ago ! said the same thing in one of his works which BTW now are embedded inside yajur veda .

I guess I am in good company then

All love is love of the self (soul) ! He said "Man loves not his wife, his children , but loves himself"
We love ourselves, but don't realize who that ourselves is ! one who knows this is liberated .
"And one who dies and passes from this world without knowing himself is someone deserving of pity " (quoted from some upanishad)

I am pretty sure that what we call love is in fact not love at all, the true love that is lauded, the romeo and juliet love, is hugely self destructive, results in huge need and fear of separation, and is actually not a great place to be, with emotions yoyoing all over the place, I think the love that SGGS talks of is something else.

You have lived the harshness of life , would your conclusions today have been any different if life gave you a softer , creamier side ?

If I had not experienced what I have experienced, then I would not have so many scars, and I would now be trapped in a soulless marriage and going through motions, and wondering why I was so miserable when I had everything, the void, nothing makes it go away, only self understanding, in my opinion, sometimes in conversation people reflect on my life and commiserate, as if I would prefer their own comfortable, pointless and numb lives instead, actually I have been very lucky to experience such misery, yet come out of it with relatively few scarring. When I was younger, I was resigned to the fact that I would one day get married, have kids, work, have a home, and do what everyone else is doing, it used to scare me that I would end up a zombie, like you, I am now free, and more than that, I am free of the need to be loved, so I am utterly free, as indeed are you, but let me tell you something, everything you pine for, once you have it, it will not make you happy, you will then pine for the opposite, for what you had, but I am afraid you will have to live first to find that out for yourself.

What happens to those men and women, I wonder, who get what they want in life ? who live a very comfortable life ..
do they ever reach the conclusions you reach. What kind of inferences from life they draw , I wonder.

they read books about it, and draw the duvet of their numb lives ever closer, better to have a warm glow then burn in the fires of god and flesh.

oh, they never get what they want in life, so life becomes a meaningless journey of possession, houses, cars, jewels, gold, money, social standing, respect, and ultimately the death of the self,

well that is my opinion anyway

 

[Seeker2013]

I guess I am in good company then

I hope so .

I am pretty sure that what we call love is in fact not love at all, the true love that is lauded, the romeo and juliet love, is hugely self destructive, results in huge need and fear of separation, and is actually not a great place to be, with emotions yoyoing all over the place, I think the love that SGGS talks of is something else.

I was never doubtful that the love SGGS talks of is not the love of flesh or even between that of a husband and wife or any worldly relation for that matter !
SGGS talks in metaphors and analogies. It talks of pain of separation of soul and god as is the pain that bride endures when her husband is away.
And it makes sense. How would you explain color to a person born blind.
How would you explain relationship with god to a person who never experienced it or perhaps we don't remember experiencing it . Hence the analogies of worldly relations .

If I had not experienced what I have experienced, then I would not have so many scars, and I would now be trapped in a soulless marriage

You sure , is it so ??
I don't wanna hurt you, but there are people out there whose marriages apparently have worked out. I see these happy heterosexual couples everywhere around me , holding hands , sitting together close in front of the lake-side promenades at evening time.
I don't have the fortune to experience it because life has handed me queer cards , sometimes I feel sad about it , sometimes I feel cry and slip into depression, but I sometimes wonder if its a blessing in disguise .

and going through motions, and wondering why I was so miserable when I had everything, the void, nothing makes it go away, only self understanding, in my opinion, sometimes in conversation people reflect on my life and commiserate, as if I would prefer their own comfortable, pointless and numb lives instead, actually I have been very lucky to experience such misery, yet come out of it with relatively few scarring.

obviously they have a different point of view . I don't understand how someone can be so spiritual as to observe all the 5 Ks with sincerity and giving up on all the delicacies of life despite being able to afford it . How someone can be so detached amidst all the pain and pleasure . How someone can sit so calm and serene on a burning hot plate, I don't understand but doesn't mean it doesn't exist for real.

I have seen people who seem to be in bliss with their worldly posessions . A man who owns an apartment downstairs lended it to a restaurant and just sitting and doing nothing, he's earning 2 lakhs per month ! he seems to be in bliss, smiling all the time.

When I was younger, I was resigned to the fact that I would one day get married, have kids, work, have a home, and do what everyone else is doing, it used to scare me that I would end up a zombie, like you, I am now free, and more than that, I am free of the need to be loved, so I am utterly free, as indeed are you, but let me tell you something, everything you pine for, once you have it, it will not make you happy, you will then pine for the opposite, for what you had, but I am afraid you will have to live first to find that out for yourself.

Are you calling me free ?
lol I am anything but free ! Not being married is not being free !
I would love to get married , have a kid, raise them and do all these by being unattached to it all , this would be my ideal life , but life has thrown lemons at me.
I can't get married even if I wanted to , the govt doesnt want me to have me a baby via surrogacy . What you called zombie life would have been my ideal life if you just added spirituality to the mix , but I guess I am destined to live a life of even more solitude and loneliness , one day when my mom dad have also passed , and there won't be anyone to call me 'beta' in a softvoice over the phone or hug me in her lap, I wonder what will happen to me that day.
It is times like these that me wonder and question my life. Perhaps being a charitable person all my life and earning for others is my only option. Perhaps again a blessing in disguise ?!

they read books about it, and draw the duvet of their numb lives ever closer, better to have a warm glow then burn in the fires of god and flesh.

I am not envious of them. They have earned it ! Perhaps I didn't !

Guru Nanak said "Jeti sirth upaee vekha, vin karma ke mile layi" (So grand is the creation with all its riches , but yet if one has not earned by their previous good karmas, what is one to obtain from the universe despite it being filled with riches ?)

Even the spoilt brat kid of a billionaire has earned it ! otherwise why was he not born to a road side beggar !

But the truth is a $100 note is not always going to be with you. When they're done expending their karmas , they will be back to the cycle of birth and death. They might be in bliss, but their bliss is not forever . See how much I can speak, and yet there's this "duality" in me , the constant "tug-of-war" between the 2 personalities inside me , its exhausting to me !
One personality invites me to the spiritual side . He says something along the line of "Take amrit, wear the 5 Ks, surrender youself to the guru . He will resolve your affairs. Have faith in him. Live a noble saintly life. So that you never have to come in this world of duality again. See how tough this single life is , imagine having to come again and again. Its sheer madness"
Then the wannabe dude speaks up : "What the other fella said is ok ! but you can do it after you're 30 or 35 something ! right now ,get a damn haircut, go to gym , sleep with a lot of dudes , party , hang around and one day we can come to the guru. We will , ok , thats a promise dude !"

I am literally beginning to witness this tug-of-war since a while now. Scary part is I kind of agree with the latter guy but deeply speaking, I like what the former guy says, although it will take a leap of faith to go his way.

oh, they never get what they want in life, so life becomes a meaningless journey of possession, houses, cars, jewels, gold, money, social standing, respect, and ultimately the death of the self,

Some wise man said "The mind feels incomplete, void; It wants something. it longs for something but its confused. It doesn't know ! so it thinks worldly things of outside can satisfy it, but soon after you get the possession, the thing of outside slowly reveals its true nature of its inability to satisfy you. "

Funnily and sadly enough, the mind when told to go the way of saints and bhagats, of living a spiritual life doesn't like the idea !

As Giani maskeen ji said "Jo gurudware nai aaunde, oh teh parmatma nu nai maan-de,
par jo aa rahe ne, oh vi nai maan-de"

Its so hard to be a believer (mannan-waala) , thats why guru nanak said in Jap ji
"man-ne ki gatt kahi na jaae"
(its so hard to be 'man-ne' , to believe all what the guru says.)

 

[Harry Haller]

I was never doubtful that the love SGGS talks of is not the love of flesh or even between that of a husband and wife or any worldly relation for that matter !
SGGS talks in metaphors and analogies. It talks of pain of separation of soul and god as is the pain that bride endures when her husband is away.

nope, I do not even think it is that sort of love either, it is a love with no pain, it is knowledge and it is the love of the godhead in the self.

How would you explain relationship with god to a person who never experienced it or perhaps we don't remember experiencing it . Hence the analogies of worldly relations .

you can't, but you can explain what it isn't.....

I don't wanna hurt you, but there are people out there whose marriages apparently have worked out. I see these happy heterosexual couples everywhere around me , holding hands , sitting together close in front of the lake-side promenades at evening time.

your not hurting me at all, how can someone else hurt me? with words? or even physically? The feeling of being hurt, in my view, stops a lot of people achieving. Those couples are just living in the moment, doing what couples do in the media, doing what is socially aspired to by the majority, I wonder what they are talking about, do what I do sometimes, go to a busy restaurant full of couples and allow yourself to hear the conversations, mind numbingly boring, to suit their mind numbingly boring lives I guess.

Are you calling me free ?

yes, you are one of the lucky ones

lol I am anything but free ! Not being married is not being free !

oh yes it is

I would love to get married , have a kid, raise them and do all these by being unattached to it all , this would be my ideal life , but life has thrown lemons at me.

do you think the internal arguments will stop if you do this?

I can't get married even if I wanted to , the govt doesnt want me to have me a baby via surrogacy . What you called zombie life would have been my ideal life if you just added spirituality to the mix , but I guess I am destined to live a life of even more solitude and loneliness , one day when my mom dad have also passed , and there won't be anyone to call me 'beta' in a softvoice over the phone or hug me in her lap, I wonder what will happen to me that day.

that day you will finally be a man, yes, the zombie life is an ideal life for all those that have not experienced it, but experience it, and you will be bored quite quickly.

. Perhaps being a charitable person all my life and earning for others is my only option. Perhaps again a blessing in disguise ?!

like a doormat?

I am not envious of them. They have earned it ! Perhaps I didn't !

I would rather be dead than live like that.

Guru Nanak said "Jeti sirth upaee vekha, vin karma ke mile layi" (So grand is the creation with all its riches , but yet if one has not earned by their previous good karmas, what is one to obtain from the universe despite it being filled with riches ?)

as you know I only believe in this life

Even the spoilt brat kid of a billionaire has earned it ! otherwise why was he not born to a road side beggar !

your mired in the maya my friend, I personally would rather be born to a road beggar than a billionare

But the truth is a $100 note is not always going to be with you. When they're done expending their karmas , they will be back to the cycle of birth and death. They might be in bliss, but their bliss is not forever . See how much I can speak, and yet there's this "duality" in me , the constant "tug-of-war" between the 2 personalities inside me , its exhausting to me !
One personality invites me to the spiritual side . He says something along the line of "Take amrit, wear the 5 Ks, surrender youself to the guru . He will resolve your affairs. Have faith in him. Live a noble saintly life. So that you never have to come in this world of duality again. See how tough this single life is , imagine having to come again and again. Its sheer madness"
Then the wannabe dude speaks up : "What the other fella said is ok ! but you can do it after you're 30 or 35 something ! right now ,get a damn haircut, go to gym , sleep with a lot of dudes , party , hang around and one day we can come to the guru. We will , ok , thats a promise dude !"

I am literally beginning to witness this tug-of-war since a while now. Scary part is I kind of agree with the latter guy but deeply speaking, I like what the former guy says, although it will take a leap of faith to go his way.

I am familiar with this battle, it does not go away until you are nothing, you have to learn to live with it, but if it helps its not just two, its a million different personalities.

Some wise man said "The mind feels incomplete, void; It wants something. it longs for something but its confused. It doesn't know ! so it thinks worldly things of outside can satisfy it, but soon after you get the possession, the thing of outside slowly reveals its true nature of its inability to satisfy you. "

definitely a wise man!

Funnily and sadly enough, the mind when told to go the way of saints and bhagats, of living a spiritual life doesn't like the idea !

they did not choose it, it just happened, it just seemed like a good idea given what they had learned, and the life they had