Typical, Im The Fat Kid At The Party Again

[Harry Haller]

When I was growing up, I got quite used to being 'different', it faded a bit in my twenties, when I would have given anything just to be like everyone else, but hit me again in my 30's when I realised you cannot help who you are, and then I hit 40, by which time I really could not have cared less about society, social graces etc.

But here I am at 46, and I am still the fat kid at the party drinking coca cola on his own, everyone else is 'looking' for something or being 'drawn' to something, and I still don't get it, I actually have a nil expectation from Sikhism in terms of what it can do for me, I don't wish for anything from it, I certainly have no 'need' for it in terms of keeping me on the straight and narrow, but then as I think hard of the future and my expectations of the future, I really have no preference at all, I love people, but I don't need them, I have a few friends, but no agenda, and to be honest, if everyone in my life disappeared today, it would have very little affect on me, save for my parents, but that is only because I owe them a debt of love, if love indeed can have a debt, and it is my fondest wish that I see them through old age and beyond. To be honest, other than the opportunity to fulfil this, I am not hugely fussed where life leads me. I have no kids, no wife, no pets, although there are times, like yesterday, I stayed at home, watched a film with Sian and then sat and played with the dogs, this morning I took them for a long walk, and now I will probably disappear for a few days and then maybe try it again next week, if I start getting longings for a taste of normality.

Should I be getting excited about all the other stuff that seems to get people excited, is stopping the internal screaming reason enough to be a Sikh, I have no idea, but it seems good enough for me.

I have no agenda, to me that means complete freedom.

 

[Original]

When I was growing up, I got quite used to being 'different', it faded a bit in my twenties, when I would have given anything just to be like everyone else, but hit me again in my 30's when I realised you cannot help who you are, and then I hit 40, by which time I really could not have cared less about society, social graces etc.

But here I am at 46, and I am still the fat kid at the party drinking coca cola on his own, everyone else is 'looking' for something or being 'drawn' to something, and I still don't get it, I actually have a nil expectation from Sikhism in terms of what it can do for me, I don't wish for anything from it, I certainly have no 'need' for it in terms of keeping me on the straight and narrow, but then as I think hard of the future and my expectations of the future, I really have no preference at all, I love people, but I don't need them, I have a few friends, but no agenda, and to be honest, if everyone in my life disappeared today, it would have very little affect on me, save for my parents, but that is only because I owe them a debt of love, if love indeed can have a debt, and it is my fondest wish that I see them through old age and beyond. To be honest, other than the opportunity to fulfil this, I am not hugely fussed where life leads me. I have no kids, no wife, no pets, although there are times, like yesterday, I stayed at home, watched a film with Sian and then sat and played with the dogs, this morning I took them for a long walk, and now I will probably disappear for a few days and then maybe try it again next week, if I start getting longings for a taste of normality.

Should I be getting excited about all the other stuff that seems to get people excited, is stopping the internal screaming reason enough to be a Sikh, I have no idea, but it seems good enough for me.

I have no agenda, to me that means complete freedom.

But H, as creatures, we are social. Society originates because the individual is not self-sufficient, but has many needs which he can't supply himself and when there are enough people to satisfy our many varied needs, we have assembled quite a large number of partners and helpers together to live in one place, which we call community. And, in the community all mutual exchanges are made on the assumption that the parties to them stand to gain.

For example, our first n greatest need is food - so you would definitely need me, Mr Farmer. Our second need is shelter, so we'll settle for Chaz, Mr Builder and our third need, clothing, let's take Ishna as the weaver. So straight away, we'd need the services of the said 3 within our community, but wait, these three would need some kinda free-time for social leisure n pleasure away from work or just for general chit with their long- lost cousins on another planet, which means they would need a cyber cafe ? Hmm - let's get Harry on board - bingo ! We're rocking n rolling.

Sorry Phaji - lunchtime !

Bye for now -

 

[Harry Haller]

Originalji

your post is no nicer than I would expect from someone so nice and balanced!

However, not all of us are social, or should I say not all of us have the same respect for the game of socialness,

 

[chazSingh]

Originalji

your post is no nicer than I would expect from someone so nice and balanced!

However, not all of us are social, or should I say not all of us have the same respect for the game of socialness,

i guess you are at the point of being able to socialize without the needing to socialize to 'fit in' or to 'feel part of a group' etc etc
i think thats a good thing....i'd be worried if you said you 'hate' or 'dislike' the company of people in general...

but being able to stroll through life as a free spirit, with no intention to harm others, and a 'go with the flow' feeling is a great thing i think.

i have this feeling sometimes..its why i one day thought....i'm 34 (36 now)...am i too old to lean a martial art...and that was it...i thought sod it...why not try it...and now i love it....

use that feeling to your advantage...get some ideas going, hobbies, interests...try new things...anything..keep that mind working

 

[Original]

Originalji

your post is no nicer than I would expect from someone so nice and balanced!

However, not all of us are social, or should I say not all of us have the same respect for the game of socialness,

Oh, I don't know about the nice n the balanced, what I do know is that we're all thrown into this one big pot, primordial soup if you ask me, for our sins I guess, and here we are coz no where else or no one else takes our fancy. God said, "you know what, this is the odd-sod group, bung'em all into this melting pot, away from the good, great n the cheerful".

Later this afternoon I'm out with the boys hav'n a jolly, what otherwise would've been my Friday night at "snooker", but since our local snooker club shut down, we'd been more or less game-crawling like the orphans, a game here n a game there.

Have fun wherever you are !

 

[Harry Haller]

use that feeling to your advantage...get some ideas going, hobbies, interests...try new things...anything..keep that mind working

it is important to me that I do not hide from who I am, I have never had a hobby, I could never see the point, I have little enough time as it is, I could live a life of compromise, not that I am suggesting you do, walk the middle ground, neither committing myself to God or the fire, but I can't, and I have no wish to, nor do I have any plans for a future, life seems quite simple to me, there is howling, there is assisting Creation, and in between, making people laugh, spreading Chardi Kala, when I howl, I burn in the fires of hell, when I help Creation, I feel peoples happiness/relief, and when they laugh, it makes me happy, I always had a theory that there was only a finite amount of happiness in the world, and as happiness isn't hugely high on my agenda, I see no problem hoovering misery away, that to me is a worthwhile pursuit of a life.

Its 6.30am here, I am playing old love songs and thinking of my first love, it was 26 years ago, seems like yesterday, course in those days things were different, you could drive like a demon down the M1 and hit Essex in 90 mins from the Midlands, I used to play the same tape every journey, and when I play it now, it makes me happy

The sun is showering the trees opposite with its golden rays, people walk dogs, its peaceful, I howled last night, and howled hard, this morning, as with all mornings after, I am quiet, pensive, Big Log by Robert Plant plays loud on the shop stereo, its a sad song, one of the ones on my tape, I watch two birds on one of the trees, they look like lovers, how can one be jealous of a bird? Am I jealous of those in love, well, I suppose true love, the Anand Karaj type coming together of souls, yet, last night, before the howling, as I read Knulp, by Herman Hesse, one paragraph stuck with me, haunted me, did it drive me to howl? I am not sure, the quote is

"Knulp said: “Every human being has his soul, he can’t mix it with any other. Two people can meet, they can talk with one another, they can be close together. But their souls are like flowers, each rooted to its place. One can’t go to another, because it would have to break away from its roots, and that it can’t do. Flowers send out their scent and their seeds, because they would like to go to each other; but a flower can’t do anything to make a seed go to its right place; the wind does that, and the wind comes and goes where it pleases.”"

So, we are at the mercy of the winds, and the winds are part of Creation, and round and round we go again.

A hobby eh, I am not sure about that, when you balance the needs of others, the screaming, the howling, the peace, no, a hobby is not going to make that better, better for me to end up in some pinglaghar, and that to be honest, is how I would hope my future turns out, not because I am some sort of saint, or do gooder, but from experience, the smile on a childs face when you help give it some sort of future, well it stops the screaming, and I guess God knew that all along........

 

[Ishna]

So Harry, bro, do you think any type of self development is worth while?

 

[Harry Haller]

to what end?

 

[Ishna]

Quieting the screaming. Making life more bearable for yourself.

 

[Harry Haller]

Its funny but we seem to have more empathy with other peoples pain when we are in pain ourself, I do not class what I have as pain, just the argument between two poles, as opposed to the argument between two polish people), the screaming gives my life meaning, makes me see life differently, I am absolutely convinced the screaming will fade, the more I embrace Sikhism, but between now and then, I find myself absolutely being able to feel others pain, and am more than prepared to take action to minimise that, not because I am a happy clappy nice person, but because it also makes my own life more bearable!

Happiness is itself a strange concept, there was a time when a second hand range rover would have made me very happy, now it does not, it seems to be that people like us are used by god to help people, we have few feelings or agenda of our own, we are unsuitable for spiritual knowledge, it is wasted on us, in fact, all it would do is take our ability to empathise and react with others,

I feel truly honoured to feel the way I do, the screaming is there because I refuse to compromise, because two very different hearts beat in my chest, I would not have it any other way. We all have our place.

 

[Harry Haller]

Today is a peaceful day, there is no screaming this morning, I howled last night, but not a huge amount, just enough to taste blood in my mouth, just enough to smell a freshly killed rabbit, I slept hard till 4am, then I sat and watched the sun light up the sky, the puppies were asleep downstairs, Dan and Sian were asleep next to me, a beautiful scenario, save for the fact that love had died, somewhere, but instead of love there was freedom, the freedom to be anyone, everyone, whoever, I kissed her forehead, it was 5am, she grimaced slightly, I have no idea what has changed my beautiful, kind, loving wife into a zombie, we have a few things to go on, menopause, thyroid, the anti depressants, who knows, but after a while, you just have to accept things and make the best out of what you have, we are trying to just to be friends at the moment, its working ok, I don't really feel that all encompassing love anymore, that all enveloping love, it feels a bit like living with your sister, how lucky I don't have an agenda, anymore anyway.

Sian is a nurse, and she is way way overworked, being the person she is, she covers everyone's shift, shops for patients, etc etc., its her day off today, so I am going to take the boys out this morning, get into work for a few hours, and then go and see my mum and dad. Its a good day, no screaming, just a slight melancholy feeling, I get the boys in the car, I got fed up with Range Rovers, so now I have this ancient rusty E240 estate, I like it, its solid, and you cannot argue with a Mercedes for £370! Soon we are on the field, We used to walk the dogs together, hand in hand, now I find it too painful, its easier to walk them alone, we walk this way and that, they are a bit wary of me at first, I have neglected them whilst we have been sorting our relationship out, Bran comes up to me and sits down, just looking at me, ' why did you leave us dad?' his look makes me want to cry, what can I say, mummy just doesn't feel the same about daddy anymore, and if I cant have mummy, I don't want any of it, Rory sits down next to Bran, and they both just look at me, I kneel down and hug them, Bran licks my face, licks my mouth, looks at me, deep, and then runs off, Rory just looks at me, I chose Rory, I guess I have not been a great dad to him, when he is at home, he follows Sian around everywhere, they both do, he jumps off after Bran, and I can see their golden bodies flashing in the rising sun, as they run into the distance, I am lonely, but I am together, I need nothing, I am completely self sustaining, I look at the sun, now rising in the morning sky, the shapes of 3 dogs darting in and out of brambles, I can see a Harry and a Sian walking hand in hand, ghosts from the past, ghosts from years ago, I can see them smiling, holding hands, kissing against the rising sun, there is no pain anymore, no salty tears, in fact, just fond memories, fond memories, I have lots of fond memories, the ghosts of Harry and Sian fade away, Sian turns her head at me, she smiles, her red hair radiant in the sun, her almond eyes full of warmth, I watch as she fades away, back to the past, I look at Harry, he seems happy, unaware of the whole concept of howling, he looks normal.

I get the boys back in the car, drive home, play a bit of Kate Bush, get the dogs in, I do not feel like howling, and I cannot feel the screaming, yet my heart is heavy, and my mood is sombre, still, better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all

 

[Harry Haller]

Its 6.20am, Im tired, have been every morning this week, the medication I am on after the last heart attack a few months ago is intrusive, very intrusive, it makes you short of breath and tired all the time. Not a good foundation for a 14 hour day, hopefully, I change medication next week, the shop is a complete mess, and I have computers to go out today, normally at this time I am jumping about high on sugar, working on about 6 things at the same time, this morning, I hardly have the energy to do one,

Kate Bush is dragging me down, and I need to get up, out of this comfortable seat, I don't even have the energy or motivation to howl, it all seems like too much physical effort!

I click Kate Bush off and stick the best of Bugs Bunny on, see if we can get a bit of Chardi Kala going here!

up we get!

 

[Harry Haller]

Ok Bugs was funny, Im up, pc 1 built and loading, found some chocolate, always a good thing, true faith, on very full volume, ok Im awake now!

 

[Harry Haller]

Ok now we are motoring, everything is built, loading or updating, I have till 8am till the two shops either side open up, as sabbra caddabra fills the shop , and most of the street, yeah , this is good, the music and activity doing wonders for my energy levels.

As the music hits a crescendo, the irony is not lost on me that right now, Chazji is probably meditating, (Hi Chazji), each to his own brother, each to his own!

 

[Inderjeet Kaur]

Man, Harry can write! I am there, in a dream, watching through the haze...

 

[Harry Haller]

The medication is kicking in, or lack of it, I have just realised I have been on a thoroughly nasty drug for 3 months, it has made me tired, lethargic, unmotivated, I guess the shortness of breathe affected my brain! I feel more awake than I have felt since the heart attack in May.

I don't feel much like howling, there seems to be a constant feeling of watching a party but not being allowed to join it, I watch people live, do things, I cannot understand for the life of me why they do these things, or live in a fashion that makes no sense to me, but I am on the outside, hands on the window, looking in, I don't wish to join in, but today I get this feeling that even if I did, it would be hard for me, so, I am either a failed socialiser, or a successful sociopath, all I know that is when I have tried to break the window and join in, it has always felt false, logic gives way to tradition, to doing things because that is the way, yet, I can walk into any restaurant round here, shop, newsagent, and no one bats an eyelid, just the local weirdo, but we love him, I personally feel quite a pride in my ascent to local weirdo, I do it quite well, I know in some American towns they have to have an election!

All I ever wanted when I was a kid was to be Chevy Chase, I loved the guy, and now, I have achieved my childhood dream, no one talks to me if they want a serious conversation, people tend to start giggling when they see me, sometimes I say the most personal dark painful things, or recount some of the most soul destroying stories that have happened to me, but because its me, its funny, and not just funny, hilarious, and it makes me smile, that such pain, such misery could bring forward laughter, but then gallows humour has always been the way of the wolf.

I parked my car earlier, I saw a reflection of us in the window of the shop I parked outside, I have aged since the heart attack, hair a bit whiter, large grey patches in my beard, as I do not cut my hair regularly, it grows in clumps around my bald spot, well I say clumps, one clump on my forehead, which I have to acknowledge as I look in the window, looks quite ridiculous, the Mercedes has rust on every single panel, I look at the fat bald indian man in the reflection, standing next to his wreck of a car, the price of freedom I muse, it worries me that one day, I am going to look at that reflection and feel shame, or the desire to 'better myself', a new X5 drives by, I note a look of pity on the drivers face, mixed with that slightly smug look that X5 drivers have, Mind you, maybe a soulless existence is preferable to running into the fire, screaming, and then running to god, still screaming, (yes the screaming is a common theme!), who knows, is it better to feel the freezing ice, followed by the flames of hell, than it is to feel nothing?, in any case, maybe he is one of us, maybe he is just delivering the car,

The sun is rising, there is a fair on the park, it comes every year, I watch the trees in the wind, its 6.45am, I think of Chazji sitting in his room, a peaceful look on his face, as he reaches inside himself, connecting, I hope he is happy, in fact thinking of him all snug, getting ready for the day, the words gently being exhaled, his entire being just one huge meditating machine, so here I am now, listening to Radiohead, meditating on Chazji,

One thing I do know, there is no going back, information cannot be unlearned, experiences cannot be forgotten, I can never see the world as anything different to how I see it now, I have sat in the movie theatre for days now, and I am sick of it, the movies do not make me happy, they never will again, Chazji, I hope you find something worth watching, maybe video it for me!

 

[chazSingh]

ahhh radiohead...my wife introduced me to them when we first met. love some of their tunes!

thinking of me at 6:45am? meditating on me? i'm glad i am of some use my good friend ....

my simran this morning started at 4:30am...my Cat has developed a knack of waking me up just minutes before my alarm goes off wanting to be let out...co-incidence? i don't know...i know that before he started doing this, i would sometimes ignore the alarm and go back to sleep. Can;t do that now...i have to let him out, otherwise he wakes the wife...and we all know...unhappy wife leads to unhappy life lol

some days my friend it is not a peaceful look or feel...like this morning...my mind was filled with lustful images during Simran...some deep and profound experience of what i need to work on maybe...

you don't want to be the x5 driver with the smug look on His face. I used to think i needed to work towards these kinds of things in order to feel like i have 'moved up in life' ... and 'am being successful' ... thankfully i realized when i went from driving an old peugeot 306 to a nw audi a4...the feelings are short lived....soon after started to notice the A5...and other more expensive cars...something new i can work towards.....it never really stops...thanfully contentment has kicked in...

i know i always bang on about meditation etc...and of course you have told me many times you're not really interested in the kind of stuff i get up to in the middle of the night

but have you tried something like mindfulness...mindful meditation...?
there are good courses running around the country...and it's a great place to meet people.

 

[Harry Haller]

Can't you see that you had to be a gad-about and a vagabond to bring people a bit of child's folly and child's laughter wherever you went? to make all sorts of people love you a little and tease you a little and be a little grateful to you?

After a short silence Knulp admitted in a whisper:'yes, come to think of it, your right.But that was all in the old days, when I was young. Why didn't I learn a lesson from all that and make something of myself? There was still time.'
The snow was no longer falling. Again Knulp stooped to rest. He meant to shake the snow off his hat and clothes, but he didn't get round to it, he was tired and lost in thought. Now God was standing right before him, His wide-open eyes gleaming like the sun.
'Let well enough alone,' said God. 'What's the good of complaining? Don't you see that whatever happened was good and right, that nothing should have been any different? Would you really want to be a gentlemen now, or a master craftsman with a wife and children, reading the fire by the fireside? Wouldn't you run away again this minute to sleep in the woods with the foxes and set traps for birds and catch lizards?'
Again Knulp started off, unaware that he was staggering with weariness. He felt much happier now and nodded gratefully to everything God said.
'Look, ' said God, 'I wanted you the way you are and no different. You were a wanderer in my name and wherever you went you brought the settled folk a little homesickness for freedom. In my name, you did silly things and people scoffed at you. You are my child and my brother and a part of me. There is nothing you have enjoyed and suffered that I have not enjoyed and suffered with you.'
'Yes, ' said Knulp, nodding heavily. 'Yes, that's true, and deep down I've always know it.'
He lay resting on the snow.His Weary limbs had grown light and his inflamed eyes smiled.
When he closed them to sleep a little, he still heard God's voice speaking and still looked into his bright eyes.
'So you've nothing more to complain about ?'
God's voice asked.
'Nothing more,' Knulp nodded with a shy laugh
'And everything's all right? Everything is as it should be?'
'yes,' Knulp nodded 'Everything is as it should be.'



Knulp-Herman Hesse

 

[CanadianChap]

Harry Haller I feel bad for you. We all have our bad days. I had depression as I felt sad, and lonely, but my mother cheered me up, with her stories. I pray and mediate as it calms me down. Harry, I hope you will feel better man. , also

listen to that bro. Makes me better, and happy. Also, god bless you, and I know that you don't believe in religion, but its cool bro. We all have our bad days, and also listen to the link I sent, it makes me happy . Also sorry for this I am just a bit nervous writing this, I am just a young lad.

 

[Harry Haller]

thank you very much, you write well for a young lad, don't feel bad for me, I don't have bad days, just days!