- Aug 29, 2013
- 408
- 174
- 34
I don't know how many 25 yr olds feel in a situation like mine : broke, hurt, wounded, suffering from self-pity , depression, low self-esteem , unemployment , .... It seems like many of them are enjoying their life to the fullest.
But now that I feel I am seeing what seems like ' life for real' in all its splendid mercilessness and cold apathy , I am as if shaken violently off a dream (or shall I call it a delusion) ,i.e my childhood. How simple life was back then ! school - tuition - sleep . Repeating almost infinitely . How sweet was the ignorance. How sweet was it when everything was brought by father at home , and the remaining journey from home till my mouth of those goodies being crossed by my mom . My parents are the only two angels I know , the only 2 friends , the only two guardian angels, the only 2 people in this world I can call my 'own' , my 'apney' .
But those days of innocuousness are gone now. Everything's changed. There's no more summer vacations, no more "if you screw it up, your parents will fix it for you" . Tables turned now, but how stupid, how {censored}ic, how insanely foolish of me that I didn't , that I couldn't see it coming . How could I !
How could I have not seen my father is growing old, that he can't provide for me forever. How could I have not seen my mom grow weary and weak with her health issues. How could I have been so irresponsible as to not realize that if I don't do my s**t on time, It is me who will have to reap it tomorrow.
Now that I am seeing adulthood in its full splendor of apathy and a cold indifference, I do miss that warmness of parental care although my parents still love me . But even the thought of them leaving me one day (and they will ) brings tears to my eyes. . Life to me ,... MY VERY OWN LIFE to me shows cold indifference , the exact opposite of my parents attitude to me. Sometimes I wonder why they had to be so nice to me.
But here comes the guru ji in picture. I have never felt it is just a 1430 page 'holy book' . I can just feel it talk to me, as I talk to it, so does it talk to me back. It tells me when I am being stupid, it consoles me when I am troubled, it rebukes me when I am being foolish, even calls me 'crazy' when I behave crazy. Guru Granth sahib talks to me like it talks to any1 who has faith in it , anyone who invokes the divine light in it for guidance.
NOW, I wonder if reincarnation indeed is true , if Guru granth sahib indeed says the truth, then all the pain , all the emotional and mental agony I have to go through has no end to it , unless I escape from birth-death cycle.
My very own life today forces me to ask "What art thou doing?". The procrastinator in me asks with a stern warning "You sure you ain't screwing up on this chance of human life?" .
When I look at a dog, I wonder "Is this my fate somewhere down the line of birth and death cycle?"
When I look at suffering of any creature , I wonder "What is the point of success in this life if you're gonna end up loosing it all and wiggle like a dog in pain at the end of road one day down the line?"
But then the skeptic in me kicks in "How do you know SGGS ain't just plain poetry of human creator, albeit exotic and from the 15th century?" , "Maybe the gurus were ordinary people who had too much time on their hands and composed ordinary, rhyming poetry?" , "How do you know its 'dhur di baani' and not human creation?" , "What makes you think its guru talking to you when you ask for a hukamnama , maybe its just coincidence of opening a random page" , "What evidence there of reincarnation, what if this is the only life that there is and you're being an IDIOT not enjoying it and partying the hell out of it ?"
I feel this tug of war often between two contrasting thought patterns in my head. One part of me asks me to meditate on god , so that I don't have to come to this world of pain again .
Other part of me questions the validity of what the first part just said .
Whats the truth ? Do you feel like how I do too ?
Thanks a ton for reading this long. Dhanvaad jee
But now that I feel I am seeing what seems like ' life for real' in all its splendid mercilessness and cold apathy , I am as if shaken violently off a dream (or shall I call it a delusion) ,i.e my childhood. How simple life was back then ! school - tuition - sleep . Repeating almost infinitely . How sweet was the ignorance. How sweet was it when everything was brought by father at home , and the remaining journey from home till my mouth of those goodies being crossed by my mom . My parents are the only two angels I know , the only 2 friends , the only two guardian angels, the only 2 people in this world I can call my 'own' , my 'apney' .
But those days of innocuousness are gone now. Everything's changed. There's no more summer vacations, no more "if you screw it up, your parents will fix it for you" . Tables turned now, but how stupid, how {censored}ic, how insanely foolish of me that I didn't , that I couldn't see it coming . How could I !
How could I have not seen my father is growing old, that he can't provide for me forever. How could I have not seen my mom grow weary and weak with her health issues. How could I have been so irresponsible as to not realize that if I don't do my s**t on time, It is me who will have to reap it tomorrow.
Now that I am seeing adulthood in its full splendor of apathy and a cold indifference, I do miss that warmness of parental care although my parents still love me . But even the thought of them leaving me one day (and they will ) brings tears to my eyes. . Life to me ,... MY VERY OWN LIFE to me shows cold indifference , the exact opposite of my parents attitude to me. Sometimes I wonder why they had to be so nice to me.
But here comes the guru ji in picture. I have never felt it is just a 1430 page 'holy book' . I can just feel it talk to me, as I talk to it, so does it talk to me back. It tells me when I am being stupid, it consoles me when I am troubled, it rebukes me when I am being foolish, even calls me 'crazy' when I behave crazy. Guru Granth sahib talks to me like it talks to any1 who has faith in it , anyone who invokes the divine light in it for guidance.
NOW, I wonder if reincarnation indeed is true , if Guru granth sahib indeed says the truth, then all the pain , all the emotional and mental agony I have to go through has no end to it , unless I escape from birth-death cycle.
My very own life today forces me to ask "What art thou doing?". The procrastinator in me asks with a stern warning "You sure you ain't screwing up on this chance of human life?" .
When I look at a dog, I wonder "Is this my fate somewhere down the line of birth and death cycle?"
When I look at suffering of any creature , I wonder "What is the point of success in this life if you're gonna end up loosing it all and wiggle like a dog in pain at the end of road one day down the line?"
But then the skeptic in me kicks in "How do you know SGGS ain't just plain poetry of human creator, albeit exotic and from the 15th century?" , "Maybe the gurus were ordinary people who had too much time on their hands and composed ordinary, rhyming poetry?" , "How do you know its 'dhur di baani' and not human creation?" , "What makes you think its guru talking to you when you ask for a hukamnama , maybe its just coincidence of opening a random page" , "What evidence there of reincarnation, what if this is the only life that there is and you're being an IDIOT not enjoying it and partying the hell out of it ?"
I feel this tug of war often between two contrasting thought patterns in my head. One part of me asks me to meditate on god , so that I don't have to come to this world of pain again .
Other part of me questions the validity of what the first part just said .
Whats the truth ? Do you feel like how I do too ?
Thanks a ton for reading this long. Dhanvaad jee
