Age Difference Questions

[Harkiran Kaur]

Tejwant Singh Ji, I appreciate the kind words...

It kind of got off topic of the original question a bit... I don't doubt this guy's sincerity towards me. It was more a question if we pursue this and his parents don't accept the age difference, what then? If we go ahead anyway, would they ever come to accept me for who I am (I try to be kind, caring, helpful, generous and genuinely follow Sikhi)?? The only difference between me and a younger girl would be that we don't have as long to consider children (biological anyway) and we might have much longer together when we grow old as our age difference would negate the usual gap where women end up widowed and alone in their senior years. (I think that is a good thing).

I know people say don't rush anything... and I don't think I am. After all, I waited for some sign from above (figure of speach) for most of my adult life and as a result, I spent most of it alone. I have been completely alone for the last decade... So I am not rushing anything... I have been waiting 10 years to meet someone. And as I said, we have spent a lot of time together and I know we are compatible. In fact I have had much more time with him to get to know him than most Indian Brides are given if the marriage is arranged... even if the girl 'picked' the groom.

So the only obstacle is the parents really. But obviously having a child is a time limited evolution as well. I know some of you have already written me off as Mother material already (as I am 36) by suggesting adoption etc. I feel I still have at least 5 years to go before it becomes too risky. Thats plenty of time ot have at least one child. I doubt his parents would push for a bunch of kids anyway as they only had one child themselves (him).

I will be nervous when I meet his parents in Oct!

 

[spnadmin]

Akasha ji

I cannot tell how much face-to-face time you have actually spent doing things with the young man you describe. This is important. Because the relationship will not be an arranged marriage, but it is not sounding like a love-match either. It seems more like an engineered marriage prospect. More than age-differences figure into this discussion though the thread is titled, "Age Differences." Members who are replying to you seem genuinely concerned that you consider a long list of issues that are major considerations and are asking you "Did you think of...." rather than giving you advice. They really care.

It is uncomfortable to think that this young man is your "last hope" candidate, but that is how it sounds to me. Every cautious reply doesn't lead to some reflection on your part. You are putting yourself in a corner if that is the case. And assuming he is not a "cool operator" he is not being fair to himself either. Where is the emotional connection in all of this? Many an arranged marriage has that chemistry in spite of being arranged. Respect, fondness, a sense of enduring friendship, admiration, excitement, thrill that the other accepted ? But... if the marriage is not arranged, it helps to be head over heels in love.

There is just something too analytical about the conversation. A friend of mine approached marriage under similar circumstances. She was single and in her late 30's She really wanted children more than anything. She came up with a list of 10 attributes the man had to have. She married the one who had 7 out of 10...good percentage she thought. As soon as they had twins she divorced him. Wanna know why? The other 3 things he did not have really bugged her. She was not a Sikh. Divorce was an option for her.

I am very uncomfortable with this thread and need to be persuaded that I am wrong.

 

[Kanwaljit.Singh]

The other 3 things he did not have really bugged her.

Sometimes the things we ignore later become a deal breaker for us. Question is, can we really control the direction we will evolve as a person? And can two really evolve together as a couple? It takes a lot of commitment and wisdom and openness. Rather than really specific things, people should go for general qualities.

 

[Harry Haller]

Bhenji

It was more a question if we pursue this and his parents don't accept the age difference, what then? If we go ahead anyway, would they ever come to accept me for who I am

Like most Sikh mothers of that era, my mother had me when she was 19. This makes her 10 years older than my wife. Fortunately, I belong to quite a progressive family, and this was not a huge problem, however, depending on how many years between mother and son, you may wish to be aware of the potential difficulties in being accepted as a daughter in law, when you are more younger sister to the mother. My mother treats my wife as a younger sister rather than 'nu', it seems to work for us, good luck....

 

[findingmyway]

Akasha ji,
I do not think that anyone can predict how his parents will react. The only people that will know this is them! We are all strangers to the people involved and not in a good position to advise.

 

[Harkiran Kaur]

Akasha ji

Where is the emotional connection in all of this? Many an arranged marriage has that chemistry in spite of being arranged. Respect, fondness, a sense of enduring friendship, admiration, excitement, thrill that the other accepted ? But... if the marriage is not arranged, it helps to be head over heels in love.


I am very uncomfortable with this thread and need to be persuaded that I am wrong.

If you re-read my original post you will see where I said the "L" word HAS been broached, and that there is a definite emotional connection developing. I would never consider marrying someone I didn't have feelings for!!!

 

[spnadmin]

I guess that is good news akasha ji. I am still not persuaded. Broaching the L word describes human feelings in an emotionally distant way. Are we going into analysis paralysis on this thread? If you go ahead with the engagement, or perhaps even marriage, and more problems crop up with this young Singh, his parents, or others, will there be more threads where very personal matters are thrown out for forum review? We are and may in the future be involved in an open-air analysis about thoughts and reactions of people who may not even realize they are being discussed. I believe it is time to close this thread. Not a lot more can be said. Please give some serious thought to my reactions.