How To Keep Myself Calm And Not Restless Till I Get My First Job ?

[Seeker2013]

"your biggest problem is that if you did do this, you in yourself would feel that you had failed"

Well yes , I would feel like that as of now, I feel like you know me so well.
I felt the same about a lot of things in my life, now that I look back on them I feel I was being worried over nothing : silly things like failing one term as a sophomore (not a big deal , but I had anxiety and hot flushes over it) , things like "If I don't get into BSc technical, my future is dark" . again silly thing . But back then I knew little . Now that I look back , I realize most of the things I worried about were not worry-worthy really or maybe I feel like that now because I have come across that period of my life.

"and to be honest, I see this as a recurring theme in your posts"

my panic and anxiety are recurring , thats for sure ! Theres something recurring and perhaps a clinical psychologist would help me sort it out.

PS: I would rather start working as a web developer than in call center , but then again this might be something I look back at in 10 yrs and wonder "why I felt a call center job was degrading"

On the other hand, (now this may not be really relevant to my life issues at hand, but still connected , as we life multiple aspects of our live in parallel) , me being gay means a relief as well as a burden .
Relief perhaps because I am spared of the responsibilites that come with being a father and a husband. Burden on shoulders.
However it has its own shortcomings at end of life , who will be there to look for you , being single throughout life must be a terrible feeling and seeing your parents go one by one , the thought is awful . This has nothing to do with my life issues at hand, but still lesser earnings mean lesser spending power on children (which I might not have but would like to have one)
but then again I know a guy (who funnily enough has the same real life name as me) earns only 20,000 rupees but in that much salary he and his wife raising 2 girls ! His case does give me hope . If he can raise 2 daughters with a meagre salary of 20,000 rupees, I can always be a single father
see again this is an irrelevant thought, I say sorry to myself

 

[chazSingh]

yes its a problem rooted many years back. But that doesn't mean I can't solve it now
consulting a Psychiatrist too . whats the worst that cud happen ? u loose a little money but u won't regret that u didn't consulted. My mom consulted him for anxiety attacks and his meds worked wonder for him. While I appreciate your "toughen up" stance, sometimes you need intervention.
Right now I am feeling like the guy in punjabi movie 'fateh' . you see that weak, wimpy gay who is tutored by a strong and hard coach and then actually wins ! it wud be lucky enough to have such a coach.
hey and I AM going for interviews. a job letter wud reduce the anxiety though

Also should I not side by side keep living my life ? because I thought i wud live and enjoy once I get a job. but is this attitude not wrong ? shud I keep challenging myself daily , be it diving in deep end of swimming pool or anything else which makes me feel scared.
Atleast that I can do . All I can do is take steps now.

my wife suffers from deep rooted anxiety and panic attacks...she was a slave to her turbulent mind...

instead of a 'accept me for who i am" or a "lump it or leave" attitude which she first had, the greatest thing that has helped her is reading the journeys of other sufferers who have incorporated many things in their daily lives especially meditation, exercise, walks in the park etc to clear the mind and sometimes medication.

i told her once...when she feels herself losing control to her thoughts, to internally take a step back and tell her own mind to "GO FU*K itself" and surprisingly she found it helps...it helped her to realize that she is NOT her thoughts, that she can learn to ignore them somewhat better than she has been...to recognize when her anxiety is taking over and then to do the things she possibly can to reduce the symptoms...for example...during the onset of a panick attack, to pick an object in the room, and analyse it, the curves, the shape, the colour etc etc...this was a form of meditation to control her mind...and it really helped her.

Meditation is one common thing i kept hearing when reading sufferers journey...it helped them more than anything.

 

[Seeker2013]

its funny how females are more anxiety prone than men are . And while I am no female, but being a homosexual makes me somewhere closer to female psyche than most men lol

 

[Seeker2013]

i told her once...when she feels herself losing control to her thoughts, to internally take a step back and tell her own mind to "GO FU*K itself" and surprisingly she found it helps...it helped her to realize that she is NOT her thoughts,

thats a nice attitude to things

Meditation is one common thing i kept hearing when reading sufferers journey...it helped them more than anything.

does reciting mool mantar help .
Also one thing that helps me , atleast temporarily is sunshine and fresh air and greenery. It has the power to lift my mood like anything .

 

[Seeker2013]

wow I am surprised how my thread became an article .

 

[Harry Haller]

seeker2013ji,

I am no great fan of meditation, not for me anyway, I am more pragmatic, but you may find it helps, Chazji has much knowledge on the subject, maybe between the two of us you may find the centre path.

 

[Seeker2013]

right now my parents are saying that they're not hurt by the fact that I screwed up and that I lied to them all this while. but that they only want me - their son . They say they can't see me unhappy .
Heck, my father said he would buy me a taxi so it can complement my little earnings and that I could live easier life like this. They also cajole me with "atleast we made you a home. You see so many other people in mumbai living on rent. Atleast you have your own home" .
Secondly, what I feel is (I maybe wrong) , they forgave me and are loving me even more so because they feel I am the only one who would bring them heir - their grandkids. Oh boy, I wonder how disappointed they gonna be when they come to know their beloved son is gay .

I would love to have a daughter one day , and I would raise her in such a way that her life is not scrwed. If I ever have a kid, I wud toughen him/her from the start, for the real world and its challenges and hopefully they would have much more fulfilling and productive lives . In return I would want nothing more but support in old age and a companionship in life . But for that I would first need a nice career or earning because raising kids ain't easy . Am I right ??
but then I told you one of my acquaintances raising his 2 daughters on less than a salary of 20K rupees .
but the quality of his kids must suck

 

[Seeker2013]

Whats worst about all the mess is you can see your jawani (youth) slipping away in this sh-t .
I don't party, I don't have fun. I don't have s-x either. Heck am I alive or dead . People think I am boring , they always have thought, not that I care what ppl think .

 

[Seeker2013]

One of my life's dream was (is) to migrate to canada and marry a guy there. I don't know how will that dream ever get fulfilled , but its my dream to get married to the gender I like .
But again this is linked to career somewhere. If you have nice career, nice earning, opportunity to travel foreign via work or something, I wonder how will I make it happen or will I become yet another indian gay man married off a loveless life

 

[chazSingh]

wow I am surprised how my thread became an article .

SGGS Ji states that overcoming the mind is the greatest battle one will ever go through. Look around...everyone in all their different environments are going through their own internal battle with their minds....many are engrossed and a slave to their minds...others are managing to claw back some actual control..some real control

when i was trying to stop drinking...do you know how many times i was trying to stop myself from drinking and the next thing i knew i was waking up with a hangover? what is doing that? when 'I' know i don't want to drink....but then doing it anyway....do i have any control? what has gained control? the mind? ... then i would say...from tomorow, i will not drink again....but failing again and again.

Have dialogue with the mind....balance your thoughts...when it's hitting you hard...hit hard back at it...swear at it...get your mind onto doing something before it takes over again..go for a run....a walk...meditate

Nature helps a lot...if you let it...it is not a coincidence that walking in the park clears people minds...energizing us...when you're plagued by negativity, pop out, give something to someone...to a homeless guy...help a neighbour...it helps stop those negative thoughts, and is also a form of meditation through service.

serve the universe (nature/people) and it will come back around and serve you. It is often not your parents and people that generates the fear in us...it is our own minds that generate the fear...through Fear it can control us...

Same with governments....they create fear...fear of diseases, fear of terrorism, fear of losing jobs...through fear people can be controlled....through Fear, the mind can have you begging and in full control. It just need to be re-trained...to become useful to you rather than a burden

 

[Admin]

Off-topic:

Learning Curve: You can invoke a response or get attention of any member by simply tagging members like this: @harry haller @chazSingh @Seeker2013 @Admin Singh

 

[Harry Haller]

I would like very much that any debate on the usefulness of meditation to be confined to appropriate threads, this means that if anyone, including myself, wishes to raise any points on meditation aspects, it needs to be done on a separate thread, otherwise it will be deleted.This is to stop the thread in question being diluted or going off topic, similarly, please keep all aspects of meditation as close to the topic as possible, otherwise, again, they will be deleted.





thank you

 

[Harry Haller]

Well yes , I would feel like that as of now, I feel like you know me so well.
I felt the same about a lot of things in my life, now that I look back on them I feel I was being worried over nothing : silly things like failing one term as a sophomore (not a big deal , but I had anxiety and hot flushes over it) , things like "If I don't get into BSc technical, my future is dark" . again silly thing . But back then I knew little . Now that I look back , I realize most of the things I worried about were not worry-worthy really or maybe I feel like that now because I have come across that period of my life.

this is called maturity, some people never see it, never learn, you must have an open mind, most of what we worry about never happens. we worry about what people think of us, about our image in society, free yourself from it, be you, but first you have to find 'you'.

my panic and anxiety are recurring , thats for sure ! Theres something recurring and perhaps a clinical psychologist would help me sort it out.

personally I do not think you need any help at all. Because you are different, you have become self obsessed, the desire to be normal, to be accepted, to act like actors in a film do, to have the white picket fence, the perfect life, as shown in films, tv shows, but its only surface, it was only ever going to be surface. Instead, throw off your shackles and be free, stand proud, stand tall, you made a comment about gay men being close to the female psyche earlier, I know plenty gay men, and believe me they are not close to the female psyche at all, both are ex forces, both are very strapping strong all male men. They just happen to find other men attractive, thats it. Be whoever it is you are, but be you, not a character in a film.

PS: I would rather start working as a web developer than in call center , but then again this might be something I look back at in 10 yrs and wonder "why I felt a call center job was degrading"

I have no idea, earning honest money, looking after your family, helping your dad out with his money problems, being there for people does not sound degrading to me at all. However on the other hand, being spoilt, being a burden, not working, and allowing yourself to be seen as precious and being terrified of failure sounds pretty degrading. I blame the media, according to such, we should all be walking around with bright teeth, light skin, the latest mercedes and a beautiful loving partner.

On the other hand, (now this may not be really relevant to my life issues at hand, but still connected , as we life multiple aspects of our live in parallel) , me being gay means a relief as well as a burden .
Relief perhaps because I am spared of the responsibilites that come with being a father and a husband. Burden on shoulders.
However it has its own shortcomings at end of life , who will be there to look for you , being single throughout life must be a terrible feeling and seeing your parents go one by one , the thought is awful . This has nothing to do with my life issues at hand, but still lesser earnings mean lesser spending power on children (which I might not have but would like to have one)
but then again I know a guy (who funnily enough has the same real life name as me) earns only 20,000 rupees but in that much salary he and his wife raising 2 girls ! His case does give me hope . If he can raise 2 daughters with a meagre salary of 20,000 rupees, I can always be a single father

I am at a point in my relationship where it is make or break, being single does not scare me at all, and I do not see it as a terrible thing at all, actually at times more of a wonderful thing! Seeing your parents go one by one is better than dying before them, knowing you were there for them till the end is a thought I find comforting, that I can do for them what they did for me.

It seems to me that this guy seems the most enlightened of all of us, it is not the lightness of a persons skin that impresses me, nor the size of their house, or the shiny car, or the number of servants or the extreme amount of garish jewels, it is someone that can raise 2 daughters with 20,000R, I find that hugely impressive, it is worth a million Audis to me.

Oh boy, I wonder how disappointed they gonna be when they come to know their beloved son is gay .

I don't think so, but it is tempting to suggest you just get it out to them, because it seems until you do that, you are living a lie, sometimes knowing something is better than suspecting and worrying about it, at least you can deal with it.

But for that I would first need a nice career or earning because raising kids ain't easy . Am I right ??

sort yourself out first, then we can talk about the kids

but then I told you one of my acquaintances raising his 2 daughters on less than a salary of 20K rupees .
but the quality of his kids must suck

maybe he has more love than money?

Whats worst about all the mess is you can see your jawani (youth) slipping away in this sh-t .
I don't party, I don't have fun. I don't have s-x either. Heck am I alive or dead . People think I am boring , they always have thought, not that I care what ppl think .

I dont think so, I think you care hugely what people think, which is the cause of the majority of your problems, you are not alive, you are not dead, you are in a war zone, the priority is getting out of that zone and into some sort of normality.

One of my life's dream was (is) to migrate to canada and marry a guy there. I don't know how will that dream ever get fulfilled , but its my dream to get married to the gender I like .
But again this is linked to career somewhere. If you have nice career, nice earning, opportunity to travel foreign via work or something, I wonder how will I make it happen or will I become yet another indian gay man married off a loveless life

this is all a false illusion desired by a false personality, unless you get your foundation straight, you will never find contentment or happiness, but be prepared that once your foundation straight, your goals will change, have an open mind, first and foremost, you must stand on your own two feet, be independent and be honest and proud of who you are, then you can stop hiding and focusing on fantasies, and focus on the real world and your perception of it, in my opinion

 

[chazSingh]

I would like very much that any debate on the usefulness of meditation to be confined to appropriate threads, this means that if anyone, including myself, wishes to raise any points on meditation aspects, it needs to be done on a separate thread, otherwise it will be deleted.This is to stop the thread in question being diluted or going off topic, similarly, please keep all aspects of meditation as close to the topic as possible, otherwise, again, they will be deleted.





thank you

Are you now part of the admin team?

 

[Harry Haller]

Not really, I am more comic relief. However, I do feel strongly that the subject of meditation, Dasam Granth, meat, chanting, etc etc should be given a fair debate, and I also believe that when such subjects are brought out to play in threads, that we stick to the thread and not go off topic.

Narayanjotji asked me to help with moderation as well as Ishnaji and Aristotleji a few months before she died, I only accepted provided I could carry on playing the clown, although I am still denied a purple tab with 'panga master' on, howver I am working on it, maybe we could start a petition?

I am primarily a contributor who also has the ability to hide or edit posts from public view if I feel it is in the interests of the thread, which also means taking my clown hat off, which is why it does not happen very often.

 

[Seeker2013]

wjkk wjkf
So it turns out I have been selected in a job interview.
I went for the interview on 2nd may . Coincidentally, a night before the interview , I saw a few centipedes in my dream, my most feared insects !
And I saw that I had killed all of them and a voice said "you killed them" . its as if I killed bad demons in my life. The next day I was feeling unusually energetic and positive . I went for the interview and on my way I just had the thought "you're gonna land on this one"
From the office window I could see nishan sahib of one the famous gurudwara of the city. I prayed and in my heart , and on the way pledged that I would complete my sehaj paath and do 11 sunday sewa in my local gurudwara if I get selected.

The HR girl told me "we're thinking of finalizing you for this job" , whatever the word "finalize" means !
I left the office in the evening hopeless, not hoping at all that I would get selected.
Next day was sunday langar at gurudwara sahib. My mom insisted I go there and do the sewa I promised rather than sit at home and cry . I also put faith in guru sahib and decided to start doing sewa without waiting for anything. And 4 days later while I was interviewing for a call center job, I got a call from the coaching classes's placement team person that I had got selected for the IT job.

woah ! I was stunned , unbelievable. I told her whether I was "selected" or "finalized" and was there any difference between those two words. And she said they had received an email stating me and one other person was selected and that offer letter would be available in a week OR a few days .

OHHH ! next thing I do I take my mom (yes call me childish ) to that coaching classes and meet the head person. She confirms me I am selected and we gave them 4 packs of cashews (kaaju) , 2 for the head mam and 2 for the HR person who informed me I got selected. This at direction of my dad.
My dad thinks you can get anyone to do anything or incline them to favor if you give them something , like kaaju or wine or whatever !
The head mam also called one guy (who's the interface between the coaching class and the company ) and he too said I had got selected.
But my 'mann' kept pinging me "finalized or actually selected? is there any difference between those two?" , "what if they cancel the offer", "what if ......... "

Great ! now its confirmed that I got selected. I didn't get any email or call from company, but since I went from reference of coaching class, they emailed them and coaching class is trustworthy .

So the same day I go and buy a rumaala for guru sahib and actually travel naked feet in early morning from my home to the gurudwara in front of office for donating rumala sahib.

But , now my "mann da darr" (mind's anxiety) went from "when will I get a job" to "when will I get an offer letter" . So , right now I am having that anxiety . But I do sukhmani sahib da paath with bibian when they do it daily , I travel to other gurudwara in city just for it and for doing service of washing vessels in langar hall. Ok I am not trying to brag about my seva, but my ardas to guruji is "please make it (offer letter) happen fast, now that you have given all of us hope" .

And yesterday after doing langar seva , when I took hukam from SGGS, the words were "satgur swami simreau , kaaraj safal hamare" . it felt nice.

 

[Harry Haller]

Seeker2013ji

May I congratulate you on how the situation has turned out, I hope you are feeling better about yourself and the situation, and I am extremely made up by reading your post.

If I may comment purely on a personal level, ie, please do not take my comments as critical in any way, I am just purely writing this for the purposes of personal comparison.

Coincidentally, a night before the interview , I saw a few centipedes in my dream, my most feared insects !

For me personally, Sikhism rises above superstitions and omens, for this reason I rarely give much attention to my dreams, in fact, one of the reasons I am so happy to be a Sikh is because to me it teaches me to be reliant on myself, thus, when strange turbaned bearded folk come into my shop trying to bless me, I feel no fear at all in shooing them out, even though I have been cursed more times I can remember, but as I am a Sikh, I feel I have no need to worry.

From the office window I could see nishan sahib of one the famous gurudwara of the city. I prayed and in my heart , and on the way pledged that I would complete my sehaj paath and do 11 sunday sewa in my local gurudwara if I get selected.

Again, in my opinion, Creator does not do deals, and this deep desire to please God, harks back to sacrifice and rituals to deities, Sikhism surely leans away from this deal making and carrot waving, to a more mature, more logical path, that you yourself can do this, maybe if your lucky with grace.

Next day was sunday langar at gurudwara sahib. My mom insisted I go there and do the sewa I promised rather than sit at home and cry

I admire your honesty....

OHHH ! next thing I do I take my mom (yes call me childish ) to that coaching classes and meet the head person. She confirms me I am selected and we gave them 4 packs of cashews (kaaju) , 2 for the head mam and 2 for the HR person who informed me I got selected. This at direction of my dad.

So the same day I go and buy a rumaala for guru sahib and actually travel naked feet in early morning from my home to the gurudwara in front of office for donating rumala sahib.

But I do sukhmani sahib da paath with bibian when they do it daily , I travel to other gurudwara in city just for it and for doing service of washing vessels in langar hall. Ok I am not trying to brag about my seva, but my ardas to guruji is "please make it (offer letter) happen fast, now that you have given all of us hope" .

And yesterday after doing langar seva , when I took hukam from SGGS, the words were "satgur swami simreau , kaaraj safal hamare" . it felt nice.

I am extremely glad you have gained a place, but it was down to you, your grace and your attitude, what did God do? God 'rewarded' your efforts with results, as surely as a parachute rewards a person falling with brakes, you had to buy the parachute, you had to strap it on, you had to deploy it, all God did was keep his side of the bargain which was opening it. If anything, all this happened despite the above!

either way, well done!

 

[Seeker2013]

The 1 week wait of getting offer letter. That is a solid prood of my employment is making me anxious. Although I am assured again and again I am selected. It would b a blessing of new life for me wen I have that letter in hand. Occasionaly negative thoughts come in my mind but to pass my time I am doing satgur di sewa . Again sorry Waheguru for mentioning abt it again and again
May waheguru fulfil my hopes.

 

[Harry Haller]

again, my own feeling is that Creator gives us the tools, both mental and physical, to not only forge our way through life, but to learn, understand and find wisdom. That, again, in my opinion, is what makes Sikhism different from every other religion. You have managed to personify the Creator, and have made that personality responsible for your aspirations, your hopes, your life, I feel this will only bring disappointment to you in the long run, as deities are not very responsible.

All you have learned, at this stage, is that rituals and superstitions work, that study, understanding, thinking, all play second fiddle to pleasing deities, to making god happy, and what best makes god happy? subservience and cashew nuts.

 

[Harry Haller]

In an effort to provide some balance to this thread, I feel I must share the last 24 hours, its pretty much a standard 24 hours in my life, and I do it to spark some debate on what exactly should one do in times of crisis, pray? do something to assist the crisis? do some seva unconnected with the crisis? or do a bit of all three just to cover all bases.

Whilst I personally agree with the notion that this sort of 'god fearing' behaviour can have some good results, I do not completely feel it is Sikh like.

I write this post to explore the distinction between the Abrahamic/Vedic attitude to Sikhism and what I believe to be the more pragmatic approach, it is not a question of which is better or worse.

Sat 15.50 It has now been 6 weeks since my last day off, I have to find a couple of thousand by Monday, sometimes it is very tempting to invoke spirits or what have you just to make it easy, but in my heart I know I will have it by Monday, and I will have learned something along the way, about myself, about how I do this, about remembering what I did so I can do it again, however, I am tired, I end up falling asleep in the shop, to be woken by a couple peering at me over my desk. The local shops find my snoozing quite funny and often take photos, blow them up, and stick them in their window with amusing comments.

Sat 17.00 So far I have done nothing, other than sleep most of the day, Friday finished around midnight, I am tired, and slightly apprehensive about Monday, I decide to go home and go to sleep.

Sat 19.00 I wake up and curse that I have nothing in place for Monday, if that cash is not there, the consequences are not even worth considering, I haul myself out of bed and head back for the shop.

sat 19.30 Back at the shop, start going through stock, anything worth anything is quickly listed on internet auction, I find 10 decent lots, and about 20 laptops that are not decent but still worth money, on top of that the 15 laptops we sold online last week all need to be installed, updated and checked and packed. Munching chocolate and glugging energy drinks, I start working, get 3 laptops loading windows, ram check on another 3, hard drive test on the rest, bubble wrap the ones that are ready, start ordering missing parts, all along the watchtower plays, loudly, I gulp, gorge on chocolate, burp, sing, play air guitar, and keep everything moving,

Sun 02.45 As my shop is on the main road, and the music is very loud, I get used to people standing outside the window, usually drunk, and laughing at my singing, 10 laptops are packed, the other 10 are now humming away updating, interest is showing on the lots listed, I send a few emails out to people that owe me money just to warn them I will be ringing tomorrow to collect,

Sun 03.00 There is no more I can do, I am 70% confident everything will be ok monday, I find an all night bar where I can drink a coffee, a bit of cake, grab a bit of paper and do some last minute figures, 80% now!

Throughout the entire episode, I have not thought about 'God' once, I have not thought about his lotus feet, or his wise hand on my head, Why would I? What difference would it make? I have a few people I know, they are very very nice people, always doing stuff for others, always helping others out, when they come into my shop, they know I will never ask for help, they know they are safe from people, they can have a cup of tea, talk, no agenda, they know I do not want anything from them, I only associate with them because I enjoy their company, if everytime I spoke to 'God' I wanted something, surely he would think I was a user? God is also welcome in my shop, welcome to come in and sit down, have a cup of tea, relax, get away from people hassling him for stuff, I certainly would not wish to add to his list of things to do.

Sun 04.00 I am in bed, at this point I thank god for giving me a brain, and for ensuring I get the most out of it, for overcoming obstacles that leave normal people stumped, for always finding a way round things, for always having confidence in my self that everything will be ok,

Sun 07.00 I wake up with that very tired feeling but roll over and go back to sleep.
Sun 10.00 head for the shop, to finish off, now everything is just a routine, the seeds have been planted, all I need to do is water them, the harvest.
Sun 10.30 print shipping labels, finish off updates, lots of interest in yesterdays listings, feeling quite confident
Sun 11.30 everything is humming away, time for a nap.
Sun 13.30 More peering from a chap, manage to sell him a laptop, fall back asleep.
Sun 14.30 get on phone and start finding out how much will be there tomorrow, not as much as I hoped, still short, but what I do know is that I have a brain, one way or another, victory will prevail.
Sun 15.30 log onto SPN!

Personally, if the only way I could get through my day was constant worry, followed by ritual and superstition, followed by more worry, I think I would go mad. Not only do we have to figure all this out ourselves, but on top of that, we have to be there for others too, in my opinion, we as Sikhs are givers, we want for nothing, we can overcome any situation, after all, lifes problems, they are just more material for the next gag, just more challenges to learn from, Carpe Diem,

Does God care that I do not lean oh him? Why does the Sikh mentality mean that humility and lack of ego mean dependency? Why is God in Sikhism constantly depicted as a father figure who we turn to in troubles? Why does grasping the lotus feet of God, of feeling his hand on your head, of being blessed, so important? The God that I understand and know he has given me enough, a brain, wit, discretion, humour, tact, diplomacy, perception, would it not be ungrateful to want more and more? The God that I understand, in fact, needs my help, to help him do his work, to give to the truly needy, the truly sad, if anything, I feel God sends people my way that I have to assist, not people my way to assist me!

Align yourself with Ek Ong Kar, to me thats what its all about