I am 23 yr old guy from mumbai (For those who are haven't read my last posts).
I am at a point in my life where I am feeling very down and I don't think I have the courage or energy to take steps in positive direction to improve my life . Because after repeated failures in my examination and a general fear of life's challenges , I have lost my confidence which was already less .
My status is that I am currently still in my education but not a good student I think .
I have failed in my 3 attempts of clearing my post-grad , M.Sc in computers . And this is the 4th attempt I am giving on 23rd october . But I feel utterly shameful and like some unworthy garbage that even now I am not fully prepared .And now I am feeling very much in anxiety and shivering in fear , and hence decided to post it here ! There are rumours that this 4th is the last attempt a student can give :\
I am prepared for 2 out of 4 papers
I did a calculation of days left and realized I CAN STILL PASS THIS TIME IF I UTILIZE THE DAYS BUT hey , I am so anxious now , I am unable to focus . My past 3 failures keep haunting me . I have nightmares of failing and feel my future is dark :\
I am really feeling very down right now . Yes you can call me that I am just a whiner who doesn't want to take positive steps to improve his condition but I have been pampered so much , this tough world scares me . I still live my parent and feed off them .
EVERY TIME I end up making the same mistakes ! april 2012 , oct 2012 , april 2013 and now oct 2013 . Every time the week before exams give chills to my soul and I swear my life that it won't happen next time . Next time I would be prepared , but NO !
everytime I end up making same mistakes. procrastination , and internet timepass and before u know it , the exam month is here !
Perhaps by now , you are not even reading this , thinking I deserve all the **** that came my way .
But TBH the deep habits embedded within me and the previous time's failures keep haunting me . I am finding it very hard to give this up and its destroying my career and thus my life
HELL ! I have shown morphed marksheets to my parents and they think I m passed with first class in post grad but I m not even cleared first year yet
My dad's friend who are very rich said he could get me a job , but he knows I am post grad done , and if I enter 'post grad' in my resume , I would have to provide marksheets for the same (which I don't have obviously coz m failed)
and If I don't write "MSc" in my resume , he might contact my dad and ask why I didn't fill "MSc" option . I can't tell truth to my dad coz it would create a storm in the house -- the original reason why I lied to them about me failing .
And right now my only hope is my oracle certified java programmer course in java which I have joined tuition for . This is only basis on which I hope to get a job in IT becoz my grad is in 2010 october (failed in my grad too for first time ) and its been 4 years . Why would any employer want a 4 yr old stale guy with 53% in his grad when he can get this year passout with good grades !
Its not jst about studies . I feel like a loser in life in general . I missed out on everything you would normally do ! enjoying college , keeping a balance between studies and enjoyment , SPORTS , making good contacts or anything for that matter
I just don't feel prepared for difficulties and challenges of life . I feel like the most pessimist guy in this freakin universe .
HOW DO I GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS RUT but I am too addicted to my old ways! Hell , people with decent marks and degrees have a hard time finding and retaining jobs in today's jobs market . What a wallflower like me gonna do !
I am feeling really down
As soon as the exam tension goes , I go back in my faulty , destructive ways which then set up the stage for failure in my next exam !
but having lied to my parents when I failed first time to prevent an upheavel by my dad in home is now eating me in ! I am a liar whose lie could be caught any day ! I feel guilty of such a big lie to my parents . My mom rejoices thinking her son cleared MSc with first class but I know I couldn't clear it in 3 attempts
I lied in the first place to make them happy thinking I will clear next time but .. -_-