My Black Heart

[Randip Singh]

Dear Kookar Guru da ji,

This is a particularly difficult subject for me and one I am not proud of. I still have a long way to go.

For those who do not know, my husband, son, two brothers, 2 cousins and my 2 unborn daughters died in the 1984 pogrom.

Yes, the mobs in 1984 were thugs, but the fact is that they were Hindu thugs. I cannot get away from that. Even now, 27 years later I cannot see a Hindu without seeing my son lying on the floor, neck broken, blood oozing out of his mouth and nose. I see my husband dying in my arms. This is a fact.

Upstairs from us lives a Hindu family. In an unusual family group lives a widow, her son and daughter and the daughter's husband. Last May the daughter gave birth to a baby boy. Much to my shame, I thoroughly resented that baby. How dare she have a son when her people murdered mine? And the grandmother! That should be my grandchild, the grandchild I will never have. These feelings were inside of me while I cooed and made over the baby and said all the right things. No one had a clue as to my true feelings; in fact I don't think I've expressed them to anyone before now.

I have had a while now to digest all this. Feelings are feelings and we all feel what we feel. There is no shame in that. However, I realised then and now, too, that those feelings stem from a very unjust prejudice in me that needs to be rooted out. To begin with, these particular people have done me no wrong. Sikhi emphasizes the concept of justice and I hold myself out as a Sikh. There is no justice in holding resentments toward people who are innocent. Aside from the immorality of it, it saps my strength and prevents me from feeling joy.

Is my heart "black"? I think not. I am a compassionate, caring person who wants to wish harm on no one. I am also a fallible human being with myriad faults that keep coming up to make my life less full of chardi kala than it could be. What good do these feelings and attitude accomplish? Do they elevate me? Do they do any harm to those who really are guilty? Of course not! So why hold on to them? At the same time, how hard to let go of them!

So, I am imperfect, fallible, human. That's a fact. It's also a fact that I am a daughter of Guru Gobind Singh ji. That means that there is nothing that can come up in life that I cannot handle. I am not alone. I have ten human Gurus and our Eternal Guru, not to mention literally millions of sisters and brothers to guide me and give me strength. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

In the end, I need to remember this. We fought when we were attacked; we were Khalsa, not sheep, after all! I killed the person who killed my son. Thug though he was I am sure his mother grieves him as I grieve my son. We are all in this together, whether we like it or not.

I read this and it seems to fit here:

"Be kinder than is necessary for everybody is fighting some battle, and their wounds may not be visible."

I have been moved to tears by this response.

I really do feel for your loss and the exemplar spirit you have displayed. I don't think I would be as strong to handle events with such courage.

 

[Ambarsaria]

Randip Singh ji your sentiments shared totally. I wish I was there myself and survived or not with Mai Harinder Kaur ji's family. I also know many wish the same. Pain of one Sikh is pain for all Sikhs.

Sat Sri Akal.

 

[Mai Harinder Kaur]

I have been moved to tears by this response.

I really do feel for your loss and the exemplar spirit you have displayed. I don't think I would be as strong to handle events with such courage.

Randip Singh ji,

Thank you. I try to tell the truth as I see it.

I think I need to be writing more cheerful things. I really work hard at remaining in chardi kala, one of the most pleasant Sikh obligations.

You never know how you will react in any situation until you are actually in it. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you could do if it's necessary.

 

[dushanka]

Well said Mai-Ji ,

we always react unexpected strong in certain situations ( especially women & girls)

 

[Kookar Guru da]

Vahiguru Jee Ka Khalsa
Vahiguru Jee Kee Fateh!

Dushanka Jee

I think your comment requires elaboration, particularly the bit in brackets.

- Kookar Guru da

Vahiguru Jee Ka Khalsa
Vahiguru Jee Kee Fateh!

 

[dushanka]

Vahiguru Jee Ka Khalsa,

Vahiguru Jee Kee Fateh!

Kookar Guru da

I will try to explain what i have meant but i am sorry for my not 100% English ,
I have meant that in 1984 it was requiered for every Sikh to restore the life even almost the lifes from all survivors was ( and today still is) full with sorrow and pain .
To come on the point especially women and young girls had to bear verry much untill today , like Mai - Ji has mentioned how many widdows are there which had to raise their small children and to see how to manage the life from zero again. What i wanted to say is that somehow in most difficult situations trough their lifes women have always responded bravely , reacted the best way by taking best decisions and choosing best options they could according to the situation. Mostly there was no time to mourn and no time for own feelings of pain, own sadness , there was only the worry for children . The women have not planed their lifes that way and they have not expected the worse things to happen but they have responded the bravest way . They have developed biggest bravery in worsest and sadest moments of their lifes . My biggest respect to all of them .
animatedkhanda1
Sat Sri Akal ..

 

[P0TTER]

:motherlylove: I am a Christian & English, so I obviously cannot empathise with how Sikhs feel toward Hindus in India... especially how the bereaved feel towards those Hindu thugs that killed so many loved ones in the 1984 pogrom.
I do not know much about the atrocities that have obviously devastated so many families and have left so many wounded hearts and minds. I do not want to offer sympathy either, because it changes nothing.
I am a wife, mother and grandmother and fortunately have never had to endure the pain of those writing their history in earlier posts - my heart goes out to you as I listen and try to comprehend what you have been through and I wonder if I had endured such tragedy whether I would feel the same; whether I would be consumed by regret when thinking about how things could have been... how they should have been.
How can we begin to forgive when justice has not been seen to be done... without justice surely there can be no closure?
Plus it seems impossible to put the past behind you, for to do so would seem to ignore what happened and that would be disrespectful to those that died... so to forget can lead to feelings of guilt and shame.
Carrying the huge burden of such dreadful memories, can lead to bitterness and resentment which only compounds the problem and hurts ourselves... which is not what our loved ones would want for us - is it?
So what can one do?
You say... "Sikhi emphasizes the concept of justice and I hold myself out as a Sikh. There is no justice in holding resentments toward people who are innocent. Aside from the immorality of it, it saps my strength and prevents me from feeling joy."
Looking deeper, it is apparent that the Love you have for your family has brought you such joy... & such pain. Love is said to bear all things and endure all things.
There is an old proverb that says...
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.
I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts when I have such little knowledge of this dreadful history you have endured; I pray that you will experience healing and hope that my words will help to bring some comfort.

 

[Mai Harinder Kaur]

Hi, Potter ji!

I love what you say. Only a couple things I disagree with. You say

I am a Christian & English, so I obviously cannot empathise with how Sikhs feel toward Hindus in India...

Reading what you have written, you clearly do empathise with us, in fact. more so than some Sikhs, who close their eyes and refuse to look closely at what happened. I do not blame them. I might have done the same had I not been directly involved. Do you remember the lines from the old song

What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget​

We simply must not let this happen among Sikhs. Remembering not only honours our dead; it helps to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

You also said

I do not want to offer sympathy either, because it changes nothing.

You have no idea how much the caring of another human being really does change things! I can't explain, but it really does.

I have had 27 years to think about these things and not a day has gone by that there is not some remembrance. I did love my family very much. I still do. Was it worth it? Does the joy exceed the pain. I remember asking Mani that question as he was dying. His response was unequivocal: "Yes! Hell, yes!" I remember what Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss) said: 'Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.'

And then that great Garth Brooks song. The Dance. "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."

I like music. It reaches me. Please let me share it with you now and I'll go...

They don't have it by Garth, but this cover is pretty good.

"The Dance" Garth Brooks - YouTube

 

[Harry Haller]

Maiji,

Your account also moved me, it shames me hugely, sometimes we as people forget just how lucky we all are, and how small our problems really are, I read your blog some time back, and remarked how funny it was, I have a vivid imagination, and every time I saw a post from you, I inwardly chuckled, at the thought of your Mani covered in goat milk, I was aware you suffered in 84, but had no idea, no idea, just how much,

I think the lack of bitterness and the acceptance you have shown is a beacon to all that if your heart is not black, then no one has the right to a black heart.

As for the Hindu thugs and mobs, they do just as bad to their own, these people were not Hindus, just thugs

we really do not know how thin the ice is under us do we

I always thought I had led an interesting and exciting life, your life, your actions, and the way you have conducted yourself is really in the manner of a daughter of Guru Gobind Singh ji,

Reading your post makes me acutely aware of what is important in this world, through misty eyes, I thank you for sharing it with us, and pray you never cease being in chardi kala

 

[Mai Harinder Kaur]

Harry ji,

If you read my posts about my life carefully, you will notice something a bit odd. Up until about 1986, there are many posts, many stories. Then an almost stoney silence about the years 1986-2006. If you knew of my life during those years, you might well revise your statement,

"I always thought I had led an interesting and exciting life, your life,
your actions, and the way you have conducted yourself
is really in the manner of a daughter of Guru Gobind Singh ji."​

I did, in fact, renounce Guru Gobind Singh ji, the Sikh way of life and everything connected to it. Do you remember the old Billy Joel song, "My Life"? I sang that to Guru Gobind Singh ji and then told him to "go away and leave me alone!" At the time, I thought he had done as I asked and released me. Little did I realise that I was walking around headless, that he had refused to give my head back to me. (Yes, it's fine to laugh at that; it's a funny picture.) Sort of like Mike, The Headless Chicken, I would not have survived had not someone been feeding me with an eyedropper.

Headless Chicken Lives - YouTube


See Also, Mike, The Headess Chicken.



In fact, I had to die and have a bizarre NDE before I could really return. Perhaps someday, I'll write more of those years, but to write is to relive and I'm not ready for that. There was nothing heroic or funny about those years, just year after year of anger, bitterness, hatred, pain, interspersed with the complete madness of PTSD.

Please do not think I am what I am not. I had one shining, golden moment of heroic glory. Like those few astronauts, I walked on the moon. Then I crashed into the earth. I am merely a normal Sikh woman - if there is any such thing - who had some extraordinary experiences.

And, btw, if I ever wrote a book about Mani and me, I think I'd call it "Mostly We Laughed." As Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

 

[Harry Haller]

Sorry Maiji,

I disagree completely, I had a similar experience, but what let me to mine was quite simply bankruptcy and the breakdown of a relationship, mere crumbs of your suffering, I reacted much the same way you did, complete rejection of Waheguru, I now feel like, what I went through and how I dealt with it, completely shames me compared to your courage, dignity and attempt to move on. You remind me very much of my own mother, who is also another 'normal' sikh woman.

Your account reminds me very much of the footsteps

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

I would like to thank for your sharing that very sad story, I assure you that you stand as a beacon of sikhi for me, and for many others by the way that you have ultimately dealt with life's cards, I have not been through 1% of what you have, yet i thought i was worldly wise , when in fact I have no idea what some people have to go through, and do not appreciate the things that are really important

 

[Mai Harinder Kaur]

Harry ji,

I hope you watched Mike The Headless Chicken. There is a deep, meaningful lesson to be learned there. I'm not sure what it is, but it must be there somewhere!

 

[Harry Haller]

Maiji,

crumbs you could write a book about all the potential meaningful lessons to be learned from mikeji,

I like yours best, when we lose our heads, Guruji is there to drip feed us

 

[Searching]

I live in India. Am very good friends with both Hindus and Sikhs. An average Hindu has nothing against Sikhs. One can see many Hindus visiting Gurudwara Sahib. Bangla Sahib in Delhi is frequented by all kinds of people all of the time.

It is true that there was a wave of anger among some people against Sikhs in 1984. Though it should have been only against the those who they deemed culprits but thats how some people are. Moreover inflammatory speeches by politicians did not help.
I was too young to remember anything but will share an incident told to me by my assistant.

He told me that that in his village in Haryana only one Sikh family lived at that time.
When the mob found him alone coming back from work they cornered him. He tried to fight but was over powered eventually and was burned to death by putting a burning tyre around his neck.
But his family (wife and daughter) was saved by a rich and powerful man of that village to whom the Sikh family was tenant.

Now tell me, are Hindus bad or good?

Another thing that was mentioned to me by my assistant was that there was a lot of rioting.
Even his father was involved in it (who mainly focused on liquor). Not to hurt anyone but to simply loot shops, shops owned by anyone, Hindu, Sikh, Muslim.