Re: How many sikhs have married out of Caste/Race
Sat Nam, everyone!
There are various ways to approach this. Let us look at things in as objective a manner as we can.
Caste should not be an issue. The abolishment of caste is of paramount importance with us. However, considerations of it still come up in things like marriage. Why is this so?
Cultural customs can be hard to let go of. Parents are oftenly concerned with caste for social/cultural reasons, and they often really believe they are looking out for the best interests of the family as a whole, but sadly, oftenly fail to realize that they also need to bear in mind what will be the happiest thing for their children, especially grown adult children who are discerning enough to make up their own minds.
There is something else we have to be aware of. This is going to sound rather cold-hearted, and if it is offensive to anyone, I apologize-- I do not wish to upset or offend anyone, especially on such a personal matter as marriage; but we must remember that in its original forms all over the world marriage had nothing to do with love, romance, the personal thoughts, personalities, feelings or opinions of the parties to be married but had everything to do with the unification of two families, property ownership matters, economics and the children resulting from the marriage. People were viewed (and this happens still today, sadly enough) more as commodities than as individual expressions of God and Guru's creativity.
So many marriages end in divorce and the resulting child custody concerns (and sometimes battles) that many people, at least in America and Europe, suggest that a pre-nuptual agreement be drawn up between the parties as to how to divide the assets should a divorce occur, before the marriage takes place. You see, in Europe and America most marriages end in divorce- 50% of all first marriages end up so, and 75% of all second marriages end up so. I am not sure of such statistics in India, so I cannot speak for that.
I do know that one reason for such sad statistics is that many people just do not know how to commit to something as important as marriage. Perhaps this is one reason why many parents wish to choose their childrens marriage partners for them. Perhaps there are some other dynamics going on here that have not been previously examined.
Sometimes parents wish to live vicariously through their children, no matter what the culture. So, of course, they might be more concerned with the social standing of prospective marriage partners for their children than with the childrens happiness. This often results in whatever dysfunctions of the families of the marrying parties being carried over into the new marriage.
How to break this sort of cycle?
Firstly, see why the parents are not being respectful of their childrens wishes. Maybe they do not see that they are being disrespectful. Perhaps there are some hidden reasons that need to be brought out and discussed in a calm way. Maybe they had hidden issues with their parents or upbringing. If one parent or the other gets upset or raises his or her voice during the discussion, you will know that there is an issue there that needs to be explored. Sometimes, interestingly enough, it is as if the roles of parent/child get reversed and we have to reassure our parents that we are trying to keep their considerations in mind, and that we do not want to lose them and that we love them dearly, but we also have to be true to our own hearts, as well.
Secondly, from what I have seen money is a major issue. Of course parents want their children to do well in the workplace, and for their children's spouses who work to make a good living; this is understandable. Perhaps these parents could be reassured that money matters are being taken into consideration by the couple who wish to wed. Indeed, it has been found that when couples can make sound financial plans and stick to them, a divorce is much less likely to occur.
Thirdly, we can remind the parents that the Gurus sought to get rid of the inequities of the caste system for a very good reason: God loves us all equally, and so we should too, for that is what God and Guru would love for us to do; Guru's Love is really what makes everything happen, anyway.
Love works from compassion, not fear. If you look at all the difficulties of the question of marriage, you will soon see they all stem from fear.
Pray to God and Guru about it all, keep compassion in your hearts, and know that, even there may be some difficulties to deal with, things will turn out for the best, if you understand your heart. When in doubt, take a Hukam. Guru will always set you on the right way!
Wishing you all the best!
Wahe Guru
Kulwant
