Leisure Laughter: The Best Medicine

[Admin]

hilariously intelligent answers... :happy:

 

[Astroboy]

UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school
diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in
our
jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a
P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in {censored}pit
S: Something tightened in {censored}pit
*
P: Dead bugs on wi ndshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in {censored}pit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.:rofl!!:

 

[Archived_Member_19]

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

[spnadmin]

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

:rofl!!:

 

[Archived_Member_19]

would you pity the turtle, laugh on him or be happy for him?

 

[spnadmin]

I would try to understand his existential predicament. There is something very pithy in the turtle's problem. Don't you feel at times that you don't know if you are naked or homeless?

 

[Astroboy]

​

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: [/FONT]

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'​

**************************​

In a Podiatrist's office:​

Time Wounds All Heels.​

**************************​

On a Septic Tank Truck:​

Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels​

**************************​

At a Proctologist's door:​

To expedite your visit, please back in.​

**************************​

On a Plumber's truck:​

We Repair What Your Husband Fixed​

**************************​

On another Plumber's truck:​

Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!​

**************************​

On a Church's Billboard:​

7 days without God makes one weak.​

**************************​

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:​

Invite us to your next blowout.​

**************************​

At a Towing company:​

We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.​

**************************​

On an Electrician's truck:​

Let Us Remove Your Shorts​

**************************​

In a Nonsmoking Area:​

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.​

**************************​

On a Maternity Room door:​

Push. Push. Push!​

**************************​

At an Optometrist's Office:​

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.​

**************************​

On a Taxidermist's window:​

We really know our stuff.​

**************************​

On a Fence:​

Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!​

**************************​

At a Car Dealership:​

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.​

**************************​

Outside a Muffler Shop:​

No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.​

**************************​

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:​

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!​

**************************​

At the Electric Company​

We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.​

However, if you don't, you will be.​

**************************​

In a Restaurant window:​

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in​

and get fed up.​

**************************​

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:​

Drive carefully! We'll wait...​

**************************​

At a Propane Filling Station:​

Thank heaven for little grills.​

**************************​

And don't forget the sign at a​

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:​

Best place in town to take a leak​

**********************​

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:​

CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises​

 

[pk70]

Thanks, we really need it

 

[Astroboy]

DOCTOR'S OPINION OF UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE

When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion on the proposed
Universal Health Care program, here's what they had to say:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their
hands off the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologist s felt
the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole
idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say anything.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some *** in the
Administration.

 

[pk70]

A good laughter in definitions of the specialties

 

[Astroboy]

YouTube - Very Funny Indian Commercial (TV AD) Coool! 2,22,000+ Views!

 

[singhbj]

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

A Punjabi family in India was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US.

It was sent by one of their daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it.

When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters.

Dear Bhinda bhaji, Sukha bhaji, Preeto and Jassi, I am sending mom's body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in the village.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under mom's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam.

Please divide these among all of you.

On mom's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Sukha Bhaji.

There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Preeto and Jassi's sons.

Hope the sizes are correct.

Mom is wearing 6 American T-shirts.

The large size is for Bhinda Bhaji.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that mom is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Rani wanted is on mom's left wrist.

Tinni masi, mom is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for.

Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that mom is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

Love
Kulpreet

PS : If you need anything else please let me know soon....Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays.

 

[spnadmin]

Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Singhbj -- This one is so remarkable!

Being Italian-American, the Toblerone chocolate really slayed me. I know that Indian people like Italian food but always thought that things like Toblerone were too ethnic to be widely loved. After a bit it dawned on me that the old lady in the coffin could have been an Italian lady. What a clever way to sneak all that stuff out of the country and remember dear ones no matter what gets in the way. Defiance of death

 

[Astroboy]

• Compilation of Funny Pictures - 11 October 2008

 

[Sinister]

hehe funny stuff

nobody should laugh at anothers misfortune but sometimes you cant help it....

YouTube - Flex-O-Ladder

:rofl!!:

 

[Astroboy]

*** Journalism At Its Best ! ***

It's time to review 2008 !

What DO they teach in journalism courses these days?​

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES​

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges​

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says​

No, really?​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers​

Now that's taking things a bit far!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Panda Mating Fails;​

Veterinarian Takes Over​

What a guy!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Miners Refuse to Work​

after Death​

Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Juvenile Court to Try​

Shooting Defendant​

See if that works any better than a fair trial!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

War Dims Hope for Peace​

I can see where it might have that effect!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile​

Ya' think?!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Cold Wave Linked to​

Temperatures​

Who would have thought!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Enfield Couple Slain;​

Police Suspect Homicide​

They may be on to something!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Man Struck By Lightning:​

Faces Battery Charge​

He probably IS the battery charge!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

New Study of Obesity Looks forLarger Test Group​

Weren't they fat enough?!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Astronaut Takes Blame for​

Gas in Spacecraft​

That's what he gets for eating those beans!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks​

Do they taste like chicken?​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half​

Chain-saw Massacre all over again!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Hospitals are Sued by​

7 Foot Doctors​

Boy, are they tall!​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

And the winner is....​

Typhoon Rips Through​

Cemetery; Hundreds Dead​

Did I read that right?​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity, and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh at least once a day






​

​

​

 

[spnadmin]

Nam Jap ji

This crazy post -- I was in tears after the one about the panda! That, and the one about the Kids Make Nutritious Snacks and the one about the High School Dropouts. People are nutz sometimes. The post itself -- it has been copied and emailed to everyone at work -- just to stir things up a bit - They need a laught too! Thanx.

 

[Astroboy]

Inspiring !!


1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly coz you are a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack you coz you are a vegetarian.
Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by our outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside .. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the
admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes
that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his
father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel
to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
(which one you choose?)

12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

 

[Astroboy]

Read, digest and react to the following:-

:crazy:


This explains why
I forward some jokes and stuff.

A man and his dog were walking along a road.

The man was enjoying the scenery, when it

suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog

walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high,

white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble.



At the top of a long hill, it was broken by

a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing

before it he saw a magnificent gate in the

arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and

the street that led to the gate looked like

pure gold. He and the dog walked toward

the gate, and as he got closer,

he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough,

he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'



'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.



'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?'

the man asked.



'Of course, sir. Come right in,

and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,'
gesturing toward his dog,

'come in, too?' the traveler asked.



'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then

turned back toward the road and continued

the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of

another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading

through a farm gate that looked as if it

had never been closed.
There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,

leaning against a tree and reading a book....

'Excuse me!'

he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'



'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over

there, come on in.'



'How about my friend here?'

the traveler

gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'



They went through the gate, and sure enough,

there was an old-fashioned hand pump with

a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water

bowl and took a long drink himself, then

he gave some to the dog. When they were full,

he and the dog walked back toward the man

who was standing by the tree.



'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.



'This is Heaven,' he answered.



'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.

'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'



'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street

and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'



'Doesn't it make you mad for them

to use your name like that?'



'No, we're just happy that they screen out the

folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo. Now you see, sometimes,

when we wonder why friends keep

forwarding jokes to us without

writing a word. Maybe this will explain it.



When you are very busy,

but still want to keep in touch,

guess what you do? You forward jokes.



When you have nothing to say, but still

want to keep contact, you forward jokes.



When you have something to say,

but don't know what, and don't know how....

you forward jokes.



A forwarded joke lets you know that

you are still

remembered, you are still important,

you are still loved, you are still cared for.



So, next time if you get a joke,

don't think that you've been sent just another

forwarded joke, but that you've been thought

of today and your friend on the other end

of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!!

 

[Gyani Jarnail Singh]

A View of the British Press..???

Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers:

• The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
• The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
• The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country;
• The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
• The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
• The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
• And The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big {censored}.



Anyone here wants to put up a similar list about..
The Indian Press....Canadian Press..etc etc..would be a good exercise in humour writing...