General Lighter Moments

[Prabhjyotsaini]

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."

"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"

"Of course."

"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"

"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."

"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

 

[Humble_Gursevak]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]said the sarcastic teacher.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well actually I don't," said the student, [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." [/FONT]

 

[Humble_Gursevak]

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the road!"
The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

 

[Humble_Gursevak]

A distinguished professor of linguistics was lecturing on double negatives. As he neared the end of his talk, he drew himself up and declared solemnly, "In conclusion, let me observe that while there are numerous cases where a double negative conveys a positive, there is no case where a double positive conveys a negative." Whereupon, from the back of the room, arose a small voice dripping with sarcasm, "Yeah, yeah..."

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"

The other replies: "I'm fine, thanks."

"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"

"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."

"Meditating? What's that?"

"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked."Love."

The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

 

[Humble_Gursevak]

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion...............Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.

Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

 

[Prabhjyotsaini]

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

 

[Archived_Member16]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 

[Arvind]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

barrha bura fasya... haahahahahaaa

 

[Archived_Member16]

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