General Lighter Moments

Prabhjyotsaini · Apr 25, 2006

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."

The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."

The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replies, "In a second."

Humble_Gursevak · May 21, 2006

If I Can...
If I can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
IfI can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If I can resist complaining and boring people with there troubles,
IfI can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If I can understand when loved ones are too busy to give me time,
If I can overlook when people take things out on me,
when through no fault of mine, something goes wrong,

If I can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If I can face the world without lies and deceit,

If I can conquer tension without medical help,

If I can relax without liquor,

If I can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If I can do all these things,

THEN I am PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

Humble_Gursevak · Jul 28, 2006

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer
company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to
determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to
take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the
test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The
manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your
interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions
correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision
not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said
the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect
answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put
down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''

Humble_Gursevak · Sep 2, 2006

Learn Chinese in 3 minutes. READ OUT LOUD.

1. That is not right......Sum Ting Wong

2. Are you harboring a fugitive?.... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. See me ASAP..... Kum Hia Nao

4. Small Horse.... Tai Ni Po Ni

5. Did you go to the beach?....Wai Yu So Tan

6. You need a face lift..... Chin Tu Fat

7. It is very dark in here... Wao So Dim

8. I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching

9. This is a tow away zone...No Pah King

10. Staying out of sight....Lei Ying Lo

11. He is cleaning his automobile.... Wa Shing Ka

12.Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu

Seeker2 · Oct 3, 2006

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to
keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my
mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat
them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my
daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a
devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Seeker2 · Oct 29, 2006

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]said the sarcastic teacher.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well actually I don't," said the student, [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." [/FONT]

Seeker2 · Oct 31, 2006

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, ....................... The mourners wondering too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,
"If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you,
and you will die." The man did as he was instructed,
just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride
as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
"My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.

Have a nice day,

Arvind · Nov 1, 2006

LOL... Those are some nice ones

Seeker2 · Nov 3, 2006

Ghetto Spelling Bee

Tyreal came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff".

Mother: "Tyreal, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?"

Tyreal: "Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F".

1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause thatHOTEL everthang she know.

2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.

3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.

5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time.

6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.

7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.

8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.

9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.

11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.

13 KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

14. DERANGE -DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.

15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy.

16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"

17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."

19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE.

Seeker2 · Feb 25, 2007

How to be politically correct

when you gossip about women...

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

gurus_princess · Mar 11, 2007

:rofl!!: O M G THESE JOKES ARE SO FUNNY!!! :rofl!!:

laughter is the best medicine...for life...

amarjyoti · Nov 6, 2007

Heheee this is a real good one!