Muslim Girl-Sikh Boy Marriage Problems- Please Help!

[Aisha]

On Saturday I took my parents out to Starbucks and told them that I had a surprise for them. They ordered coffee and were sitting outside, my boyfriend was inside. I went in and grabbed him and brought him out. Pretty much what happened was that they were very very surprised, had questions (like if we had slept together, which they asked me when we got home lol), but were not mad. My boyfriend greeted them with "assalamualaikum" and that, coupled with his western name, made my parents think that he was a Muslim (plenty of Muslim boys around here have western names). He had a really nice conversation with my dad, they talked about sports and Punjabi movies and some other stuff. My mom really really liked him, he was very polite with her, called her "ma ji" told her about how we met, about how she reminded him of his own mother, how she's done such a wonderful job raising me and even said, jokingly, "Aisha now I know where you get your good looks from", which made my mom blush and slap him in the arm and my dad laughed so hard that the people around us started staring! That was most of it, there was some other small talk, he told them about how he wanted to be a doctor like me and they were impressed.

When we got home they became a bit more serious. They wanted to know everything, how long we'd been together, if we had slept together, why it was kept a secret from them. I answered everything and told them that the reason I hadn't told them earlier was because he isn't a Muslim. And that's when they went crazy. My dad started yelling at me, telling me that I'm sinning, my mom said "what will people say?" and my dad told me to break it off with him, and got even more mad when I said I wouldn't. My sister was quiet but my brothers uurgh they were with my dad, they didn't like the idea of me dating ANYONE but the fact that he's non-Muslim made it worse 10 fold. I haven't spoken to my dad or brothers since but my mom has tried to patch things up between us. She is a little more understanding and likes my boyfriend but still is very hesitant about me marrying him.



On Sunday I met his parents. It was at a restaurant and he told them that he had a surprise. When they were seated at a table, he went out and got me. I was nervous to begin with, but when I was walking towards them, his mom's mouth was open and her eyes widened and she stared at me without blinking. I introduced myself and there was no mistake about my religion because my name gave it away. I am 100% positive that the only reason his mom didn't get up and start screaming at me was because there were other people around and she didn't want to create a scene. She kept glaring at me and I did my best to smile but I couldn't look her in the eye. His dad finally killed the silence and asked me about how we met. I told them about it and he asked me a few other questions that I answered. Like I suspected, he was happy to hear that I am studying to become a doctor. He smiled when I told him. Then his mom asked me in a very sharp voice about whether or not my parents knew about what I was up to, and my boyfriend explained about how he had met them yesterday etc... I was surprised by how calm his dad was throughout the entire meeting, his main concern seemed to be that being with his son would alienate me from my own family and I told him that I appreciated his concern but I was going to do what I thought was right. His mom was more busy telling me about how she wasn't going to tolerate my "Muslimness" and she sure as hell wasn't about to let her grand kids become Islamic fundamentalists. I told her (thank you Harry Haller!) that I wasn't Muslim but that I believed in God and spirituality, the same way that her son believed in God and spirituality but wasn't a practicing Sikh. I went on to say that I had looked into Sikhism and think that it is a beautiful religion and if she wants the grand kids to know about Sikh history and go to the Gurdwara, it is fine by me and that Waheguru and Allah are the same being in my mind. This made his father very happy but she wasn't having none of it. Society would look down on her, her family would be disgraced if they had a Muslim daughter in law and even though I am open-minded, I will always be associated with Muslims and Islam because that is where I come from.

That was the coles notes of that conversation. I talked with my boyfriend later and he said that his dad "sympathized" with his mom and still doesn't think that it's a good idea, but that he felt that his dad could be persuaded and be supportive. His mom was in a fit the second they got in the car and she hadn't spoken to him the entire day after (probably still hasn't) because she demanded that he break things off with me and he said no.




It looks a lot longer now that I go back and read it Sorry!

Out of all 4 parents, his dad seems like the most open and then my mom (but she's been nagging me about how marrying him means that I am no longer a Muslim). My dad and his mom are not supportive at all and I don't know what to do. The most realistic next step is probably trying to get my mom to convince my dad, but I don't know, she usually gives in and takes his side, and since she doesn't think that this is a good idea to begin with, I think that it's safe to say that she's already on it.

Does anybody have any advice, because it seems like we've hit a dead end!

 

[Chaan Pardesi]

Aisha you will probably find the information below very helpful and help you understand to every individual their religion is dear.But such marriages can still work wonderfully.

http://www.nriinternet.com/ASIA/Indonesia/WHOisWHO/Harbrinderjit_Dillon xx/index.htm

 

[Inderjeet Kaur]

One thought comes to my mind when you talk about your brothers and father being against you.

When she was in high school, my niece dated a Palestinian boy. They had to sneak around and hide because he said his father and brothers would kill them both if they found out. He was serious when he said it. The relationship died a natural death later when the boy became devout and she wouldn't follow.

I want to be very sure that no one in either family here would behave in such a violent manner. Honour killings have occurred in both communities in Canada, so please don't think I'm being stereotypical.

 

[Harry Haller]

I think you both deserve medals for being so brave, I am not much of a romantic myself, although I used to be, but reading that made me remember what it felt like being young again.

Ok, this is now not about religion, this is about what I felt it may be about all along, it fact what every sticky situation is about in our culture, quite simply 'what will people say'.

So the cat is out of the bag, and everyone knows. To be honest, even if he converted to Islam, or you converted to Sikhism, as stated above "Society would look down on her, her family would be disgraced if they had a Muslim daughter in law and even though I am open-minded, I will always be associated with Muslims and Islam because that is where I come from", What could be needed here is empathy, from you and your better half, towards the elders.

Let us skip through the various options and come down to the only one that will probably work, as stated by my brother Ambarsariaji, distance. If you really want to make this work, I think you will probably both have to move far away, until time heals the wounds that your respective parents are suffering, who knows, maybe the threat of such may bring about some sanity, (I have waited years for an elder to say, 'know what, I don't give a monkeys about what people will say, this is my family, and I want them to be happy, although I have to say, my own parents have leaned that way, it is not without cost or consequence, not to me, more for them).

I have come across a number of websites that talk of the harmony between Sikhs and Muslims prior partition, they are an eye opener, things were very different then, it is a pity that inter marrying raises such fears in a community that is already self destructing through fake babas, drugs, alchohol and general misunderstanding.

What other advice can I offer? stay calm, do not get drawn into hysterics, be logical, polite, gracious, empathatic, sympathetic, be prepared for emotional blackmail, guilt trips, dont try and be too clever, just deal with this with humility and with truth, and I hope it goes well for you and your love.

 

[Kanwaljit.Singh]

Just like Harry ji, am very happy that you guys have been very brave and forthcoming with your parents. You have respected them, had a nice conversation, shared what is so beautiful about you two and.. you have hit the reality

Then his mom asked me in a very sharp voice about whether or not my parents knew about what I was up to, and my boyfriend explained about how he had met them yesterday etc... I was surprised by how calm his dad was throughout the entire meeting, his main concern seemed to be that being with his son would alienate me from my own family and I told him that I appreciated his concern but I was going to do what I thought was right.

I think that was a typical mother in law glare there Good thing that his dad is supportive.. He and his dad might make her turn around eventually. Depends on their deal making skills

His mom was more busy telling me about how she wasn't going to tolerate my "Muslimness" and she sure as hell wasn't about to let her grand kids become Islamic fundamentalists. I told her (thank you Harry Haller!) that I wasn't Muslim but that I believed in God and spirituality, the same way that her son believed in God and spirituality but wasn't a practicing Sikh.

That is a good point which might help her connect.

Society would look down on her, her family would be disgraced if they had a Muslim daughter in law and even though I am open-minded, I will always be associated with Muslims and Islam because that is where I come from.

Tell her that some of the society would let their tongue loose on the marriage day, but only you can ensure the happiness of her son for the rest of the life. And tomorrow if her son has a fight with her future Sikh wife (if), then the same society would stand up and applaud

OVERALL, it is ok shape on his parents side. But the real deal is your family. It would be hard for your mother to convince your father AND your brothers. And she is not really convinced either.

You can let the matter be for some time. And when they press for marriage, you say if you don't want to get us married, IT IS FINE. But then, you tell them you will stay single at their home, if you can't get married to the person of your choice. If you can't force them to get married to place of your choice, they can't force you to marry a stranger either.

 

[Alan491]

And if his parents get angry at me just because I'm a Muslim, then what? What does Sikhism say about a Muslim girl and Sikh boy being together?

 

[Ambarsaria]

And if his parents get angry at me just because I'm a Muslim, then what? What does Sikhism say about a Muslim girl and Sikh boy being together?

SRM says the Girl must become Sikh first for any "Anand Karaj"/marriage ceremony. I am sure they can find someone to marry them in some Gurdwara but it has started to become an issue and visibility of late with Akal Takhat Sahib asking for stricter adherence to this principle in SRM.

It is definitely not my view neither my view should have any weight but I am just posting as things are. I am sure Mosques have similar operating procedures but I don't know.

Unfortunate to pull two loving souls apart from where I stand. Then again the two souls can have a civil marriage to complete worldly paper work.

Regards.

 

[Aisha]

Thank you to everyone that has posted!

I know that a lot of people are suggesting we move away and although it is probably the best thing we could do to ensure that our relationship survives, we both feel that it should be a last resort and that other avenues should be considered beforehand. As it stands we are most likely not going to be able to leave because we go to school here and have part-time jobs here. We've managed to rack up a lot of debt during undergrad and it will only pile on even more by the time Medical School is over with. We both live with our parents to save money. I don't think that there's any point in moving to a different part of the city because it is a waste of time and we won't really be that far away from the problem. If we moved away, I think we would have to go far away and to do that, we'd both need to ensure that we had part time jobs in the new city (our combined wages are barely enough for a cheap one-bedroom basement and the basic things we'd need to survive) plus we'd need to make sure that we both got into the same school in the new city as well. Since there are a limited number of Medical Schools in Canada, we'd probably need to change Provinces since the one in our city is the only one here.

We sat down and had a long discussion concerning this issue. After brainstorming, we were able to come up with one reasonable next step that we are considering, but I want to ask on here to see what others have to say about it.

My dad and brothers are still not speaking to me and my dad told my mom to tell me that he never wants to see my BF's face again. My BF tells me that his mom never wants to see me again. She is still ignoring him too. You guys told us to be empathetic, to try and understand why our parents are acting the way that they are. The first on is cultural, "what will they say?". But there's another reason as well, more specifically, the belief that if this marriage happens, they will lose their child to "the enemy". Now with his parents it's almost all the cultural bit, his dad is cool but his mom is worried about her izzat. With my parents it's mostly the second one. I'm sure you all know that in Punjabi culture, after the marriage, the bride goes to live with the groom and his family. Even though it doesn't always happen in the west, the idea that you give your daughter away is still rooted in the minds of a lot of parents. This is also why inter-caste marriages are such a problem, especially for girls. If a Jatt boy marries a Chamar girl, his parents will probably be ticked off and put up a fight, but in the end there's a pretty big chance that they will give in just because she's marrying into their family, not the other way around. Any children from that marriage would be called Jatt because their father is a Jatt. But if a Jatt girl wants to marry a Chamar boy, all hell breaks lose. The family is shamed, because their daughter married into a Chamar family. Her children are considered Chamar by society. This mentality is hard to get rid of because it's rooted in our evolution, that is, it is important to control who the females reproduce with because they determine the future of the lineage.

And I suspect that that is exactly what is going on here with my parents, except that instead of caste, the issue is religion. In their minds, they are giving away one of their own to another community, and they think that my children will automatically be Sikh because the father is Sikh. My BF and I feel that it is important to address this issue and make my parents understand that this is not the case and that neither one of us is "switching teams".

I've met his parents and he's met mine. His dad is the good apple in his family, my mom in mine. My mom is a fence sitter, I think that she is happy that I've found my BF because these days it isn't easy to find good partners, no matter what community you're from, but she's still hesitant because of the above-mentioned issues. I feel that she wants to be supportive, but won't out of fear of my father.

What we've decided to do is meet again, this time me, my BF, his dad and my mom. I think that it's best that my dad and his mom be left out of the meeting because they'll only cause troubles. My mom and his dad are the most calm about this and should be able to communicate with one another in a mature and responsible manner. What we want to show is that the feeling of worry is mutual on both sides. We want my mom and his dad to be able to talk about their concerns together and hopefully realize that they're quite similar and be able to come to a compromise. I particularly want my mom to see that this isn't like back home and that I will remain a Muslim and that I'm not "going over to the other side" and I think that his dad will reassure her about that. Hopefully, if things go well, my mom and his dad will come to some sort of an agreement, and if we can get my mom's support, then maybe she can be more diligent in convincing my father.

Thoughts?

 

[Aisha]

One thought comes to my mind when you talk about your brothers and father being against you.

When she was in high school, my niece dated a Palestinian boy. They had to sneak around and hide because he said his father and brothers would kill them both if they found out. He was serious when he said it. The relationship died a natural death later when the boy became devout and she wouldn't follow.

I want to be very sure that no one in either family here would behave in such a violent manner. Honour killings have occurred in both communities in Canada, so please don't think I'm being stereotypical.

Thank you for your posts! I read your last one as well and you gave great advice and it was very heartfelt, I hope that you've found freedom and happiness and that you have a wonderful, long and prosperous life! Your last post definitely gave me a great deal to think about.

But as for this one, the thought of an honor killing did cross my mind just because it's not uncommon here. I'm not worried about his side of the family at all, his dad is supportive and his siblings are neutral. His mom is ticked off but he tells me that she isn't a violent person.

On my side of the family, my mom is fence sitting and my sister is neutral. My dad is PO'd but I know that he isn't a violent person. I've never seen him lay a hand on anyone before, he's a very nice person, I've never seen him this mad before but he's kept himself under control.

I don't know about my brothers though if I'm gonna be completely honest. They wouldn't go THAT far, but they are physical and the other day I overheard them asking my parents about what my BF looked like, his name etc... They know that we go to the same school so if they knew his name and what he looked like they may be able to find him, I don't know why they'd want to though, if they want to meet him they could ask me and I'd introduce them in a public place but it came across like they were trying to gather information behind my back. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind but reading your post made me think about it again. Do you think that I should be worried?

 

[Inderjeet Kaur]

I don't know about my brothers though if I'm gonna be completely honest. They wouldn't go THAT far, but they are physical and the other day I overheard them asking my parents about what my BF looked like, his name etc... They know that we go to the same school so if they knew his name and what he looked like they may be able to find him, I don't know why they'd want to though, if they want to meet him they could ask me and I'd introduce them in a public place but it came across like they were trying to gather information behind my back. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind but reading your post made me think about it again. Do you think that I should be worried?

Worry is always wasted, but, in my experience, you should be concerned. Brothers can be very protective, even violently so, believing they are doing it out of love, but, in fact, destroying their sister's life. Truth be told, I believe it is really izzat and has nothing to do with love. I have seen this happen more than once, although not to me personally.

Your BF definitely needs to know about this, so he can keep his eyes open. Please show him pictures of your brothers, so he won't be approached unaware. I hope both of you have easy access to 911 on your cells. Probably all will be fine, but better to be prepared. I do disagree with some here who think you two should move away. The world is small now and it would be possible to track you down if they were really determined. Besides, I can't see you as someone who would run away.

Through this exchange on SPN, I have come to like you very much. You are a young lady of intelligence and determination full of love and loyalty, not to mention courage. I will keep you in my prayers that the Creator (by whichever name) blesses you with the strength you need throughout your life.

I hate izzat.

 

[Kanwaljit.Singh]

What we've decided to do is meet again, this time me, my BF, his dad and my mom. I think that it's best that my dad and his mom be left out of the meeting because they'll only cause troubles.

You guys are not just brave, but BRILLIANT

 

[Luckysingh]

It's the response of anger with your brothers. This response has come naturally to them and they think they are being protective.
I'm sure they won't ask you or even tell you, but they want to threaten and instill some fear into your boyfriend.

Should you be scared ? Yes- I guess so, because there is two of them and they will probably tell another friend to help and join in with the threat.
What you think they will tell their friend at first to get him interested to help ?
- They will simply say that some guy needs sorting out because his messing with our sister.

Sometimes, the third person does all the damage unintentionally because of what they think. There won't be any mention of love between yourselves but all about who's messing with who.

You should tell your brothers that they shouldn't do anything and if someone else does it you will know they were involved.
Then, I would also warn your boyfriend to watch his back and beware.

 

[TigerStyleZ]

Mhh , very difficult, you need to have a conversation with your parents, because it seems that your "side" is making more problems... Talk to them openly, and talk to them, what they did as childs etc.. found some points that makes them thing and feel abit guilty. This will 100% help you. Maybe this sounds devious, but this will give some "+" points. Ask your parents, esspecially your father , that as he was young never had this opprotunites and stuff.. Tell them, that they are very nice parents and you appreciate everything given by them, and that you love and respect them much. Then go on and say that you tought about this many hours and developed future scenarios etc.. Ask them for example Why they would deny you the chance etc.. I hope you understand what I mean..


Furthermore give some toughts to your brothers.. Are you close to them? Do you talk openly etc?? I don´t want to sound judgemental or ignorant but honour killings on the side of muslims are more than on the indian side. And supression of women is seen more often...

And don´t worry about the family of your boyfriend with the time they will come to decent... And these are no sterotypes or whatever.. just telling the facts..

I am somehow in same situation right now, I am still far away from thinking about marrying.. but o? It is just all fcked up and weird.

BTW: I know you have your own problems and stuff but can I PM you about my problem?

Hope you understand my broke english!

 

[Aisha]

Worry is always wasted, but, in my experience, you should be concerned. Brothers can be very protective, even violently so, believing they are doing it out of love, but, in fact, destroying their sister's life. Truth be told, I believe it is really izzat and has nothing to do with love. I have seen this happen more than once, although not to me personally.

I agree! I think that all brothers want to look out for their sisters and that's very laudable. And I think that most girls like knowing that their brothers care about them. But there's a fine line between sticking up for/protecting your sister and interfering in her private life because of izzat. I actually wouldn't mind one bit if my brothers asked to be introduced to my BF, and then after meeting him told me that they didn't like something about him. I do care about their opinion and if their concern is genuine then I would take whatever they say into consideration. But going behind my back and looking to frighten my BF just because he's dating me is not acceptable.

Your BF definitely needs to know about this, so he can keep his eyes open. Please show him pictures of your brothers, so he won't be approached unaware. I hope both of you have easy access to 911 on your cells. Probably all will be fine, but better to be prepared. I do disagree with some here who think you two should move away. The world is small now and it would be possible to track you down if they were really determined. Besides, I can't see you as someone who would run away.

I gave him photocopied versions of my brothers' pictures today. He was laughing when I did it though, it doesn't seem like he's taking it that seriously (my brothers wanting to find him part). I wanted him to promise me that if he saw them coming towards him that he would get out of there because I am almost certain their intention wouldn't be to have a polite conversation with him (they could come to me if they wanted that), the only thing he promised was that he would leave if he felt that they were getting physical but he wouldn't run away from them. Like you said, probably nothing will happen, but if all 3 of them were alone together and it got heated then a fight is a possibility and I don't see either side backing down.

Because of this I asked my brothers why they wanted to know about my BF, why they weren't asking me etc... they didn't tell me so I took Lucky Sing Jis advice and told them that if something happens to him I'll know who it was. I hope that's enough to keep them away from him.

Through this exchange on SPN, I have come to like you very much. You are a young lady of intelligence and determination full of love and loyalty, not to mention courage. I will keep you in my prayers that the Creator (by whichever name) blesses you with the strength you need throughout your life.

Awww thank you :Luv: I really like you too, you sound like someone who has a very good understanding of how the world works, you've been through ups and downs and as a result you have a lot of experience and knowledge to share with the people you know and I am very grateful that you took the time to give me such wonderful advice! I too pray that you have an amazing life because you sound like someone who deserves it :yes:

I hate izzat.

Preaching to the choir

 

[Aisha]

You guys are not just brave, but BRILLIANT

Thank you! I take it you liked the idea?

 

[Aisha]

It's the response of anger with your brothers. This response has come naturally to them and they think they are being protective.
I'm sure they won't ask you or even tell you, but they want to threaten and instill some fear into your boyfriend.

Should you be scared ? Yes- I guess so, because there is two of them and they will probably tell another friend to help and join in with the threat.
What you think they will tell their friend at first to get him interested to help ?
- They will simply say that some guy needs sorting out because his messing with our sister.

Sometimes, the third person does all the damage unintentionally because of what they think. There won't be any mention of love between yourselves but all about who's messing with who.

You should tell your brothers that they shouldn't do anything and if someone else does it you will know they were involved.
Then, I would also warn your boyfriend to watch his back and beware.

Thank you for your reply I talked to them today about it, they wouldn't tell me why they were asking our parents about him. They know his name now and it is freaking me out. They also know where he goes to school so it wouldn't be impossible to find him, what with the internet and especially Facebook it would even be a trivial task if they knew what they were doing. Even with all the safety restrictions, it isn't beyond reason.

I told them that if something happens I know who it is, I hope they get the message.

We're a normal family and I've never had a problem with my brothers. But ever since finding out about my BF they avoid me and act like I've soiled their names and what they hate the most is that he's non-Muslim.

 

[Aisha]

Mhh , very difficult, you need to have a conversation with your parents, because it seems that your "side" is making more problems... Talk to them openly, and talk to them, what they did as childs etc.. found some points that makes them thing and feel abit guilty. This will 100% help you. Maybe this sounds devious, but this will give some "+" points. Ask your parents, esspecially your father , that as he was young never had this opprotunites and stuff.. Tell them, that they are very nice parents and you appreciate everything given by them, and that you love and respect them much. Then go on and say that you tought about this many hours and developed future scenarios etc.. Ask them for example Why they would deny you the chance etc.. I hope you understand what I mean..


Furthermore give some toughts to your brothers.. Are you close to them? Do you talk openly etc?? I don´t want to sound judgemental or ignorant but honour killings on the side of muslims are more than on the indian side. And supression of women is seen more often...

And don´t worry about the family of your boyfriend with the time they will come to decent... And these are no sterotypes or whatever.. just telling the facts..

I am somehow in same situation right now, I am still far away from thinking about marrying.. but o? It is just all fcked up and weird.

BTW: I know you have your own problems and stuff but can I PM you about my problem?

Hope you understand my broke english!

I understand what you mean I like my brothers and they like me but they're being so close-minded. We actually had a good relationship compared to most people I know but my brothers are more "strict" than my parents. My mom and dad didn't mind me dating, my brothers did. My mom and dad were cool with me taking my hijab off in 10th grade, my brothers protested. I know that they care about me, but what's going on now has nothing to do with love. I am 22 years old, an adult and perfectly capable of making my own decisions. They need to respect that. If I was a stupid teen, breaking ties with family, leaving my religion all just to be with a man that was no good for me and everyone else could see it, then my brothers would be totally justified in taking action. But this is the exact opposite scenario and they're still being silly.

If you think that I can help you at all then you are more then welcome to PM me and I'll do my best to support you in any way that I can.

 

[Inderjeet Kaur]

I gave him photocopied versions of my brothers' pictures today. He was laughing when I did it though, it doesn't seem like he's taking it that seriously (my brothers wanting to find him part). I wanted him to promise me that if he saw them coming towards him that he would get out of there because I am almost certain their intention wouldn't be to have a polite conversation with him (they could come to me if they wanted that), the only thing he promised was that he would leave if he felt that they were getting physical but he wouldn't run away from them. Like you said, probably nothing will happen, but if all 3 of them were alone together and it got heated then a fight is a possibility and I don't see either side backing down.

Remember when dealing with your BF, you are dealing with a Sikh, a peculiar sort of person who would probably die of shame if you saw any fear in him. We have a tendency to be a bit over bearing in this way. Me, too. Chances are he's taking it much more seriously than he lets on. At least I hope so.

Someone once wrote: "In this world, only one act of courage is possible: not to have run away." I think both of you are the embodiment of that idea.

Keep smiling and remain in chardi kala! (If he hasn't introduced you to that notion, shame on him! It's one big source of a Sikh's strength - and you don't have to be Sikh to practice it.)

One of my fondest dreams is to take every last remnant of the concept of izzat, place them all into a rocketship and aim it directly into the sun where it can be completely destroyed and disappear forever.

Now, go have some ice cream or something and relax a bit. Enjoy being young and healthy and having this remarkable journey ahead of you.

icecreamkaur icecreamkudi​

 

[Ambarsaria]

I understand what you mean I like my brothers and they like me but they're being so close-minded. We actually had a good relationship compared to most people I know but my brothers are more "strict" than my parents. My mom and dad didn't mind me dating, my brothers did. My mom and dad were cool with me taking my hijab off in 10th grade, my brothers protested. I know that they care about me, but what's going on now has nothing to do with love. I am 22 years old, an adult and perfectly capable of making my own decisions. They need to respect that. If I was a stupid teen, breaking ties with family, leaving my religion all just to be with a man that was no good for me and everyone else could see it, then my brothers would be totally justified in taking action. But this is the exact opposite scenario and they're still being silly.

If you think that I can help you at all then you are more then welcome to PM me and I'll do my best to support you in any way that I can.

Aisha ji very simple approach is needed.

"Any threats made or implied against a person should be reported to the Police".

Only way to nip issues in the bud. I know they are your brothers but they need to recognize your life and liberty and your friend's life and liberty which are inviolable.

You may feel it is drastic but it has solved or prevented much if done judiciously.

Anyway this is already in public domain and police have ways of finding out what goes on over the internet. So for their own sake your brother should heed to decency over emotions. Your family life is between you and your family and this is just a note of well wishing so heads prevail over emotions.

Regards.

 

[Aisha]

I didn't think that it was necessary to bore you with the petty little arguments and details, hence me not posting in 2 weeks (and I've only really had time to log in and check my messages) but I felt it fitting to type out an update in case anyone was wondering what's been going on.


Like planned, my mom did meet his dad. And, as we had hoped, it was a very diplomatic conversation. No rudeness or insults or accusations were thrown around, something that definitely would have happened if my dad and his mom were involved. His dad was cool the entire time and didn't care about me being Muslim at all. His biggest concern was what the implications of me marrying his son would be for our family. He was worried that it would result in me getting disowned. My mom reassured him that nothing of the sort was on her mind but she couldn't say the same for my father. She told my BF's dad that there were 2 reasons that my father was against this marriage (and she had the same troubles as well, just to a lesser degree):

a) Muslim women are not allowed to marry non-Muslim men
b) It would shame her family

They spent a lot of time talking about the second one. My BF's dad gave her his opinion, that society was always going to talk about one thing or another; if his son did end up marrying a Sikh girl, then someone somewhere would be going on about how she is too tall or too short, about how she is from a bad pind (village), or maybe how the sari she wore to that one relatives party was a bad color. In other words, it would be impossible to please everyone and someone was always going to talk. And it would be the exact same for her daughter (me), whether I got married to a Muslim or non-Muslim. I could tell that it was sinking in and that she agreed with him. Even though she was worried about what people might say, she acknowledged that her children's happiness was more important than the opinions of outsiders.

As for the other one, his dad guaranteed her religion did not matter one iota and that he was so very proud that his son and I were, like mature compromising adults, able to come to an agreement on how to handle our differences in faith and that she had his word that no one, not even his wife, would interfere in our arrangement if this marriage does take place.

That was most of the meeting. My mom felt a lot more comfortable about the idea after it was over, I could tell. My dad knew that this was taking place and had sent her there with the orders of "ending the entire thing", so you can imagine how p*ssed off he was when she came home and told him that he needs to calm down and not reject my BF just because he isn't Muslim and that she thinks it's a good idea. The past week has pretty much been her trying to cool him off and find a way to make him understand. It feels like there is a rift in the family, like there are two camps- my sister, my mom and I against my father and my two brothers. I have done my utmost best to talk to my brothers but they are constantly dwelling on how on earth they are "going to explain to their "brothers" at the Mosque that their sister is marrying out of the religion". We used to have a really nice relationship, I could count on them all the time, heck I even expected them to be on my side before my mom but I never thought that they would be this shallow and this swollen with pride and concerned about "izzat".


Since last week my mother has met my boyfriend on one other occasion and I am honestly so relieved that he is constantly able to make such a good impression with her! He's lucky that he's an effortless smooth talker
One thing he did, that we hadn't talked about prior to him meeting my mom, was that he invited the two of us to go with him to the Gurdwara (not the far away one that he's taken me to before, but the one right by his house). Everyone, from the sewa people to the really religious men and women and the elders knows who he is there because he is a regular volunteer and is actively involved in any and all Gurdwara events. Since both families already know, there is no reason in hiding it from anyone. He offered to go to the Mosque with me and my mom in exchange. She agreed to go the the Gurdwara because she had questions for the priests (I'm sorry I don't know the real word for the people who perform the religious rituals in Sikhism). But she told him that he didn't need to go to the Mosque, that it was fine. I suspect that she isn't ready for everyone there to know about this yet, or she is afraid of what my father would do if we went and his buddies ended up finding out about his daughter's non-Muslim boyfriend. So my mum and I will go with my BF in a few days, and he is keeping it a secret from his mom because she would most definitely not want me to be seen there with him by anyone and so would start an argument with him. My father will be kept in the dark because he would wreak havoc if he knew.


So just a little (looks a lot longer now!) update for anyone who wanted to know what was up.


PS: I caught my brothers red-handed discussing with each other about ways in which they could find my BF. I have warned them about what will happen if they go out looking for trouble and hope they listen to me. My boyfriend does now have pictures of my brothers and so hopefully will not be approached unknowingly, although he continues to joke about the situation and does not seem to be taking it as seriously as I am, telling me that he is not worried about my brothers. I pray that it is only because of the culture and him not wanting to show fear and that he does actually understand the gravity of the matter.