I've gotten a couple of PMs from people wanting to know what happened with all of this so have decided to update the thread.
For the person who was wondering, no, I am not married to my boyfriend. In fact, we have decided to put marriage on the back burner for the time being. There are 2 reasons why:
a) We knew before we told our parents that they would not be ecstatic about our decision and probably not supportive either, but it was our hope that both families would at least accept what we were doing and realize that they wouldn't be able to change our minds. That wasn't the case, no where near it, in fact it was quite the opposite.
b) We're both presently doing medical school and will be for the next 3 years or so. There isn't anything that will prepare you for the onslaught of work and sacrifice that this practice demands. The level of difficulty has certainly exceeded all my expectations. Whereas before I was seeing my BF on an almost daily basis, we are now lucky if we can squeeze one day of quality time together each week. So although we could get married, and the combined income from our part-time jobs is enough for us to move out together and support ourselves, the added stress would just take our attention away from our studies and has the potential to create a rift between us, which could jeopardize our entire relationship.
Going back to the first point, if our parents were with us on this, I'm sure we could have found a way to make it work. But since they're not, the smart choice is to probably let this hang until we are done medical school, and once we start residency we should have more time, we will become financially independent (right now we'd just be barely getting by) and be in a much better position to make this work.
This is not the route I wanted to go down but have conceded that there isn't any other choice if I want my relationship with my BF to be a successful one. Rushing into marriage at the age of 22-23, being a full-time student, a part-time employee, having no support from your family and living on scraps could be enough to drive the two of us apart and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that never happens.
Our initial desire was to take our frustrations out on our respective families (my dad and his mom). After all, they could prevent all of this from happening. They could support us in our time of need, be there for us when we need them the most, ensure that we have the means to get married AND make it work. But instead they threaten to disown us, give us hell and never speak to us again.
We probably would have done it too. But there is a lady at the Gurdwara that I met on my very first visit. She has a good relationship with my BF and so when I went with him, didn't hesitate to get to know me. I really like her, she's full of wisdom, made me feel welcome and understood our problem. I see her every time I go and love talking to her. We told her about all of this and how angering it was, but she talked us out of doing anything rash or saying anything we might regret to our parents. She said to treat this like a blessing in disguise instead of a set-back. Because now our parents have 3 years to cool off. Now I have 3 years to win over his mom, and him my dad. Now there is a much greater possibility that the entire family will be at the wedding.
And she's right too. In the midst of all this, I still harbor the hope that I will get to hug his mom on our wedding day and that my dad will put my hand in my BF's and bless us and wish us happiness. I think that's really all any kid wants. I do want to marry my BF, and would do it right now if I could, but the possibility of everything working out makes the wait worth it.
I got a message from someone saying they were in the same situation. This thread also has thousand of views so I am sure there are more people out there going through the same thing. I will post my advice on here so that anyone who wants to read it can do so.
First and foremost, don't ever change yourself for anyone else. Inter-religious relationships are hard and sometimes people will convert to their partner's faith to make things easier. I am adamantly against this. You fell in love with this person, and this person fell in love with you while you had different faiths. If the person you are with cannot accept you for who you are, and wants to turn you into something you are not, then that person is not the right one for you. You should only ever change who you are for yourself. At the beginning of our relationship, I got my boyfriend to study Islam. He spent months looking into it, came with me to the Masjid (Mosque) pretty much every Friday, spoke to every knowledgeable person there and in the end decided that Islam was not for him. He was not going to convert. That was the end of it for us, I never brought it up again and respected his decision. I am now in the process of trying to understand Sikhi. I know conversion isn't an issue because my BF will accept me for who I am, doesn't matter if I happen to be a Sikh or stay Muslim. If I do convert, it would only ever be if I came to the conclusion that Sikhism is more evenly aligned with my own personal beliefs than Islam is. Otherwise, I will stay Muslim, and he has no qualms with that.
The hardest part is definitely children. The two of you may have no problem whatsoever in your individual differences of faith, but adding children to the equation may change everything. You will definitely need to figure out how you are going to raise the kids before marriage is ever seriously considered. Think about this: you might agree to teach your kids about both religions (as a lot of people do), but deep down inside, are your fingers crossed that your kids end up choosing YOUR faith over the one of your partner? Are you comfortable knowing that there is a very large possibility that your kids will end up practicing the religion of your spouse, or not be religious at all? If you are a Muslim and expect nothing less than your children being devout Muslims, then I'm sorry to say that you will never be happy in an inter-religious relationship and that for your sake, your partner's sake and your future children's sake, you should find a practicing brother/sister and marry them. The same goes for you if you are a Sikh and will only ever accept your children practicing Sikhi, or a Christian wanting his/her kids to be Christians etc etc...
Secondly, understand that by being in an inter-religious relationship, you are risking being ostracized by your immediate and extended family. Are you prepared to deal with that, the reality that you may never be accepted by your family again? It's easy, at the beginning, to say that you will do anything for this person. You may contemplate running away together, or getting married and then moving far away for ever. But give it a few years and trust me, your opinion will change. Especially if you are a teenager, I cannot begin to describe how different you will be at the age of 22 than you may be at 15-18. Heck, I'm sure I'll look back at 25-26 and feel dumb for doing some of the things I have at my present age and ask myself what I was thinking. The point is that infatuation is not the same thing as love. This is why I feel that you can never properly know a person until you have been together for around 3-4 years. If you haven't been together for at least two years, then marriage shouldn't even cross your mind. This obviously doesn't apply to those people who want to have arranged marriages. And there isn't anything wrong with that either, provided that both sides are willing parties. But for those of you who will find your partner through dating, please please please realize that your perception of that person will change as your relationship matures. Not always for the worse though. I loved my BF deeply from the get go, but at the beginning, because of his constant joking and laid-back attitude, I didn't think he was as mature as he should have been. He proved me wrong though. Just because he liked to have fun and didn't take life as seriously as some other folks, didn't mean that he wasn't responsible or grown-up. He turned out to be the most trustworthy person I have ever known in my life.
What I am getting at is that once the initial attraction and excitement fades, you will either:
a) Realize that you are no longer interested in being with this person, or
b) Appreciate them for their personality, their quirks, how they can always cheer you up, their sense of humor and ability to make you laugh, not just their looks or appearance. That's when you know that this is the person you want to be with. Just do not do anything rash, because I promise, if this person isn't right for you, you WILL regret it.
Now I think I want to address any Muslim girls who may be reading this. Sisters, if there is one thing that I have learned from my time spent with my boyfriend, on this site and going to the Gurdwara, it is that even us non-Sikhs can take the teachings of Sikhism, implement them in our lives and enrich our existence, because it really is a great religion that has a lot to give humanity. Guru Nanak Ji was the one who said that "there is no Hindu, there is no Muslim", and to me that really is the foundation of the religion, because it means that we are all the children of God, "Muslim" and "Hindu" are just labels that divide people and create conflict. There really is only one race, the human race, and only one God, though we may all have different ways of connecting with him/her/it, and different names for the creator, Waheguru/Allah/Ram are all the same. Like I have already said, if you want your kids to be Muslim and only Muslim, then that is perfectly fine and I can understand why, just please do not get into an inter-religious relationship, I can almost guarantee you will regret it.
I know that the community puts a lot of pressure on us to get married, and that too to Muslim men only. But sometimes God has different plans in store for us. If you are one of those girls who has ended up falling in love with a non-Muslim, no matter what religion he is, then chances are, at one point or another you have asked yourself if you are committing a sin. If you want my opinion, no you are not. Do not forget that Allah SWT is "the most merciful, the most gracious". If your intentions are pure, then God will understand.
It is difficult enough to find a good husband these days. If you come across a guy who is there for you when you need him, makes you smile, makes you laugh and is first and foremost your best friend, I say to snatch him up, and if he just so happens to be a non-Muslim, then realize that his non-Muslim upbringing is partly responsible for molding him into the person he is today. If your guy had been brought up in a Muslim family, he would likely be a lot different from the man you fell in love with. Accept him for who he is, and if he doesn't want to convert to Islam, then respect his decision.
Life is too short to spend fretting over things like differences in religion. Marry someone who will make you happy and who loves you. Go out there and enjoy yourself. If he is a non-Muslim, then so be it. You're here for a very limited time, be grateful that you have the opportunity to experience this wonderfully magnificent world and do not waste this blessing. I hope your lives are filled with contentment and love.
If anything I said was unclear, or you would like to know more, you can drop me a PM or ask on here and I will reply when I get time. Take care everyone
